The one that says it all

I found this song posted by a friend on her Fb wall. I fell in love with it right away. Ease your ears readers. It's a lovely song with very very meaningful lyrics. Simple but sweet.

Garrett Hedlund – Timing Is Everything Lyrics

when the stars line up
and you catch a good break
and people think you're lucky
but you know it’s grace
it can happen so fast
or a little bit late
timing is everything

you know I’ve had close calls
when it could have been me
I was young when I learned just
how fragile life could be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
time is everything

and I could have been a child that got took home
and I would have been one more unfinished song
and when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
that’s when one comes along
just in time

when I remember that day
when our eyes first met
you ran into the building to get out of the rain
cuz’ you were soaking wet
and as I held the door
you wanted to know my name
timing is everything

and I could have been another minute late
and you never would have crossed my path that day
and when it seems true love is hard to find
that’s when love comes along
just in time

well you can call it fate
or destiny
sometimes it really
seems like
it’s a mystery
cause you can be hurt by love
or healed by the same
timing is everything
and it can happen so fast
or a little bit late
timing is everything

Garrett Hedlund – Timing Is Everything Lyrics

The good list

So, I went to a friend's blog and I read this. Since I'm pretty down my self with all the wedding stuff and shaky (I can't seem to find a better word coz I'm a bit sleepy now) relationship. So, here goes:

1. Honest - too honest at stating views and thoughts
2. Friendly - I get it from my parents
3. Funny - I love seeing people laugh
4. Humble - I hate those who always "angkat bakul" / show off
5. Kind - too kind sometimes
6. Loyal - to families and friendships
7. Hard working - to make ends meet
8. Punctual - I get things done on time when properly planned
9. Helpful - I hate seeing others suffer or in trouble
10. Responsible - a character that I was trained at since childhood
11. Smart - at certain areas of knowledge
12. Cat lover - recently feeding stray cats since I can't bring them home
13. Independent - I always manage to settle things my self
14. Observant - I only say what I see
15. Loving - I believe loving is the key to happiness
16. Over protective of my families and friends - I hate seeing them sad
17. Understanding - I am able to put my self in one's shoe
18. Thoughtful - I see things differently sometimes, even very small matters
19. Caring - my job needs me to and now it's become part of my personality
20. A leader - I've become used to being one as trusted
21. Cheerful - I master at hiding my own feeling from others
22. Generous - a trait that I am becoming so recently
23. Creative - not in art but in writing

There! I'll read this later, and add if there's any that I've left out..

The backfire!

I drove back to one sole theraphy I have now: the cats! At DF's, who is now still working, the cats are caged LoL! They must have annoyed babah for some reasons hehe. But Fluffy was there at the door welcoming me. One look at her made me go smiling all the way. Yes, I am in love with this Queen! Whiny is still sleeping now at the cats tree house. The aircon is doing so good at making them quiet now. And the cage LoL!

After Zuhur, I sat down, Fluffy on my lap and I took the phone. I started texting coz I refused to let the pain stay for good this time.

So, reading back the text, it read:

"XXX, come to think of it, damn jua lah aku damam dulu tu but what to do, I did try my best to show up though I was seriously sick. Too bad all that were overlooked. Good for you still being recognised when I have been forgotten. It hurts being treated like shit cematu but who am I to make them see the truth. This year's project pun I can't involve, atu pun if diorang ingat aku jua ah huhu.. Damn it! I hate remembering all these. Thanks to you for bringing it up! What's worse, I can't help my self from thinking, IF I wasn't sick, would I be at least at a higher rank than I am at now? Or better yet, be like an ass kisser like you? Hmm... Toink!"

He did reply. "Forget the past", he said. He thinks I have the potential of becoming a leader (which I personally don't really agree to coz I know my limits and that there are still LOTS to learn). He said, the concerns only "see" mistakes and "forget" the deeds I had done for the whole thing so no point looking back. Well dude, you MADE me remember, remember! Bleurghh!! :$

He ended texting:

"It would be great if you are in my team!! I really want eh! If dapat high rank, definitely I will never forget you..."

For the record, I didn't ask for recognition from him if he ever made it to the top. He made the promises to get me, and our so called "team" to be in his one office. "We would make a strong team", he once said. I'd say, him stating it dreamily LoL! Crazy guy!

He fired me today, I fired him back! Good job Suzi! :D

Now, where's my Queen??? :)

The truth always hurts

Today, just now, I felt like I was slapped in the face. With hollow laughter, I listened to that one thing that had haunted me the past years but with a blunt comment from a someone so close, the impact I get is like BAM!! A big ouch on my side personally.

I knew that if I wasn't sick 2 years ago, I could / might be a somebody today. "Would have been a high rank" he said. Am I to blame when I was dying of my sickness at that time? Am I so unfortunate for being unable to be there at the peak of the project? What power did I else have than trying my best, though at my limit, to be there to at least show up?

Saying the truth to my face did catch me on alert. Now the regret is raining over me, again. I have lost a lot it seems now.

Thank you friend for pointing out the past. Thank you friend for stating the truth. Thank you for bringing it up when I had tried so much in me to forget the so called "mistake" that I made.

Thank you so much.

The lacking

I am sooooo jauh hati with the DF now. He has grown interest in a new hobby now: keeping fighting fish, of any kinds and colours. He's befriended a colleague, whom I don't really admire coz sorry to say, he's too childish to hang out with. But too bad DF's car is still in the garage that he's spending more time with the kid coz he's in need of a transport to work. And yesterday, I gave DF a call over lunch time. I was surprised knowing that he was in Miri with the kid and another one, whose name sounded like an Indonesian. So I was like, inda kraja kah today? And DF said, "temporarily out", whatever that means!

Then later that afternoon, DF came home with a handful of fighting fish in bowls, assisted by the kid. I was like, more fish pets?? I know they cost nothing (some fighting fish costs $1.50 each) but it's the time he spends with the fish that is a big loss for me. And with the increasing number of fish and its tanks now, I swear I could see his money dancing around with the creatures in the water!!

And just now, I checked his FB wall. Guess what's posted there ..... Him commenting on other fish owners' photos. So I guess he's planning yet another purchase of those scales. I am jealous coz he prefers them than me now. It's like, he's marrying THEM but me!

Our wedding is in 4 months. We still have a long list to do. I need his attention. Jauh banarrrr hatiku ni kamuuuu~~~ :"(((

The long awaited day

Tomorrow will be 1st Ramadhan when it'll be 2nd for both Indonesia and Malaysia. It seems that Brunei is located at the other side of world than being a neighbouring country to the two states above. I remember when I was little, we used to fast and celebrate eid on the same days. When Brunei couldn't sight the moon, if either one of the countries did, we would start fasting or celebrate eid anyway.

Last year, a relative came to visit us on eid from Labuan. We were having our 1st Syawal while there in Labuan it was their 2nd. So he got to experience 2 days of 1st eid jumaah prayers: one back home, and another here in Brunei. It was an amazing experience for him indeed :)

Well, the main thing is, Ramadhan is here again, alhamdulillah. Ramadhan Mubarak everyone. May this year's be the one coming with barakah and rahmat to us all aamiiinn.. :)

The good news

My alarm clock wasn't working today but luckily Danny texted me. It was 6:45am and I was like, WHAT! I read his text and then off to shower. It took me a while replying his message. It was good news and of course I was happy. He's just been promoted as a Deputy Principal at his school and as his best friend, I am super happy for him. I admit I have a clinch of envy in me. I mean, who wouldn't want to be promoted right.. Well, congrats buddy! I am proud of you :')

I didn't manage to go get the Kursus Kahwin form yesterday. I had forgotten that I had to attend a sharing session in Gadong. I was hungry coz I didn't get the time to have a bite at lunch time: I had to update the boss on cases that me and my members handled yesterday morning. Complicated ones, which left one of my men in a dilemma. This is what happened when one did NOT listen. Well, anyway, the sharing session was awesome (despite me in empty stomach and having migraine - the condition I always end up in when I am hungry). I learnt dozens of ways at teaching my SAP level reading. Then again, it would involve money and so.... well, I will find ways!

I am off to another meeting in an hour. It's the follow up meeting of last week's course. My group and I will have to share what we've got from the course and present in front of teachers in the area that we will be assigned in. I had fun with The Heroes last time. I am sure I will have a blast this time too :D It will be tiring no doubt but it is the sharing part that I always enjoy. I hate keeping things for my self, especially ones that are beneficial to the rest.

Last week, as I was done marking their test papers, more than half of my classes failed the test. I wasn't angry. Rather, I asked my self, what have I done wrong? I have spent much of my energy out to try reach and teach my kids. Whatever I learnt in courses I attended, I would try use them as much as I could with the aim to help them pass the tests and exams. And so I told each and every one of the students to write whatever they think of the paper, the questions, and even me as their teacher. I told them to write anonymously to enable them to express what they've wanted to say to me in the paper, even to curse me as they wish to do. If they think it's my way of teaching that's resulted to them failing, they should say so in the paper. I gave them 10 minutes to do so.

The results?

ALL of them blamed themselves for failing!

ALL wrote down that I am their best teacher, that they understood what I had been teaching them.

They failed because they didn't understand the passage.

They blamed themselves for not knowing much vocabularies.

I couldn't believe what I read! What does that leave me?

And so recently, I lent my teen's years story books (and my sister's) to my students. They're old but still in good conditions (my sister and I only read the books once then left them in our home shelves to rot!). Since our school is new and is short of books in the library, it's hard for me to build interest in my students to love reading. So I had a browse through our home library, checking our books out (those that are suitable of course) and lent them all to the kids. Today, I asked them what they think of the books they've borrowed. They answered, "They're fun teacher!" :) As I left the room, a student came after me, with an R.L. Stine's in her hand, asking me the meaning of the word "suffocate". I find this amazing! I mean, my students read!! :'D

I've got to go. All good now. I hope it will always be.

The allergy?

I just got home an hour ago after a long trip to Lawas. We visited SMK Merapok. The journey by boat was the usual, me being excited and all, especially with the cool fresh breeze in the morning. We left the jetty as early as 6.20am. A bus awaited at Bangar jetty, which is brand new. It was not open when we were in Temburong last December. Well improvement there I must say :)

Then the trip was spoiled when the veterans bought the strong scented durians sold just outside the jetty. I was like, WTH! So the 8 hours trip, to and from Lawas was accompanied by the unfavoured smell. What's worse, after the visit at the school, more durians boarded the vehicle, giving even stronger scent. Two teachers suffered from migraine today because of it and me, I had asthma attack. The smell was so strong that it gave me such impact. I was cursing silently seeing dozens of the fruit being carried to the bus.

By 4.30pm, we reached Bangar. My plan to catch the boat ride back alone to Bandar failed: the jetty closed soon as we were there. So, I had no choice but to spend another 3 suffocating hours on the bus back to Kuala Lurah. I was in hell! This is what happened when an extra 30 minute duration was spent on shopping at the market at Lawas!! I was soooo angry!!

Thank God Sharul was on time picking me up in Bandar. With the cold rainy weather, my condition would have gone worse. He took me to a restaurant for me to have some hot soup. Obviously I was shivering with fever. When I got home, mom even directed me to go to the hospital. But I need to be in bed soon. One, I am very tired, and two, if I agreed to, I am sure I would be given an MC. I can't do that because I need to be present at tomorrow's course presentation. I hope I will be fine tomorrow. The course is from 7am til 4pm..

I better hit my bed now. Wish me luck peeps! Let's hope that I don't dream of sea of durians tonight. Now I know I am allergic to it :(((

The good sleep & the stupid dream

I slept like a baby last night: the very effect I usually get every time after an hour of foot massage. I am having another one as typing this. Painful, at those major points but feels relieved at the same time. I need a full body massage actually. Remember when I said that I am super sensitive when I enter an unfamiliar place? Well, it's happening again. Maybe tomorrow then I'll have that massage, after the course. We'll see. Then again, I will be joining an educational visit to SMK Merapok in Lawas this Friday: another self introduction to a new place. Well, maybe then I'll pay a visit to a massage parlour on Sunday instead..

I woke up a bit early today: 30 minutes earlier than the sound of the alarm clock that I'd set the night before. Thanks to that stupid dream. Remember the entry I posted about how happy I was because one particular colleague who had left the place am working at? Well, he appeared in my dream. It was ridiculous. He came to me, saying "Hi" and we had a quick chit chat. Then he said, "Hey you know what! I found your blog!!" Right then I stammered, as if trying to cover up a crime. The image of the post came crossing my mind and so I went, "Oh boy..." The next thing I knew, I woke up from my sleep. How crazy!

I don't really mind if he does find this blog, and reads that entry and this very post. I don't think I can stop him, can I?

So YOU.. Welcome to this humble page of mine. And have a good read!

Time to bed now. Nitey nite peeps!

The extra Kg.

Yep! Am not surprised actually seeing that indicator pointing to extra 3 lines of kg. on the weighing scale. I was kind of expecting it, though of course deep inside was hoping for at least it showing the same weight as the one I measured two days ago. This is why I hate going to weddings coz I tend to eat most everything served on the table. I don't know about you but at weddings or any other similar functions, I would choose the food I seldom have at home for example, I'd prefer the 'nasi lemak' or 'nasi minyak' or even 'nasi kebuli' (especially the one with lotsa beef shreads in it) over the plain rice. The reason? We seldom have these kinds of rice at home but plain rice. The consequence? The extra kg.

Similarly, I would choose beef of any dish, 'rendang' or 'black pepper', over sweet and sour fish. The reason? Mom cooks better but she seldom serves red meat or lambs at home. She always says they are next-to-forbidden food in the house. And when chicken korma is on the table, I won't miss my turn having the gravy on my plate of rice. Same excuse, mom says the korma dish has 'santan' or coconut milk in it so it's not healthy. But do I listen? Of course not. It always feels like a must-eat-have dish every time.

So, seeing the extra kg. is like seeing the fatter image of me in the mirror: one quick look then I turn away. In denial? Maybe. Regret? Guilty? Sure.

I feel fatter, heavier, uglier. You name it. I guess I am in my comfort zone now, being happy and all. Maybe the next I know, I am the fattest bride ever! Nightmare. But I just can't seem to stop munching and snacking those guilty pleasures food. I am just too happy to care about how I look now, though I know I'm gonna regret this when the big day is approaching nearer..

I am having my foot massage now, sneaking out my sister's Osim massage machine. My feet feel like they're swollen: fat and bulging. I guess they can hardly carry the heavier me around. I seriously need to slim down to have me feeling better the moment I step my foot on the ground, especially every early morning when I wake up. The pain is burning inside. Every time. I really have gained so much weight!

At the moment, I am attending a week's course on listening and speaking. It's too demanding and overwhelmingly squeezing my brain out. Today, I had a slight discomfort feeling at the lower part of my neck and shoulders. I knew then I shouldn't push my self too much at that session. Maybe the food intake that I'd had has finally shown its effect. I was scared actually but I knew I had to calm my self down and to take it easy. Anxiety won't help with that condition I was in. A quick nap during lunch break had made me feel a lot better. I knew then I should control my food intake from now on. Not for my looks, but for my health.

Ramadhan is coming, which means more good but fatty food. Surely more food intake. I should hold the temptation. I should!

The small serious talk

Well, by now, if you've been following my blog, I'm sure you know what kind of a guy my DF is. He wasn't like he is now. He used to be into-the-serious talks. Planning this and that for our future. Even listed down names of our children (if we have any later in our relationship), and the kind of house we would love to stay in.

Before, our hobby was going into strangers' houses which were under renovation, or were being built. We would pretend to be a desperate husband and wife looking for the right contractors for our so-called house under plan. So by saying so, we got most contractors fooled as they showed us around the incomplete houses they were building: even gave us their business cards. While in fact, we were just doing it for fun. At the same time, building images of how our future home going to be like.

We don't do that no more. We don't have the time as we used to have. The only day we have now is Sunday. And if we're lucky, going for a dine out or movie on Saturday night. The routine, the hobby, we used to have have now gone. Even when we do have the time together finally, we seldom talk. We just spent the time we have chatting about less serious matters. Joking and laughing as we might. Because me miss each other on weekdays like there's no space at all for things that would spoil the mood or even the emotions.

But today, out of the blue we did have that talk. The one when dreams came in and smiles cracked on our faces, like we used to have before. He was in a better mood as he didn't go to work today. The old good feeling reminisced in between. I could feel my self blushing :') I missed that part of him. And mine.

We talked about how everything had gone as we had planned it to be. How worries are not in our diaries like it used to be anymore. We went on about how our lives would be after the marriage. When we would be ready to have our little juniors. How we would make our lives better: me pursuing my Masters Degree and him with his Degree, jokingly warning me not to go on taking my PHD or he would be exhausted trying to catch up :'D

We even went online looking for the uni we would go to after we tied the knot. 2012 is the plan. He would need to work on his fast track programme and to do so, he needs to take about 10 months. We agreed to do it all in Perth. He thinks it's a good place for us to be in. A year there back in 2004 has made him feel belong to that piece of Australian land. I said, "Let's!"

I am still smiling now. I am happy that we had that little talk. You have no idea how much I missed that moment.

We will make it happen. I will make sure of that!

And I made him to promise: no babies till he wears that graduation hat! As for me, I will be on the move with my Masters' proposal paper next week. The girls will be joining me too. It would be fun I'm sure.

And Sharul shall start getting all prepared for that plan we talked about. He should start making reading a habit coz the course we browsed through the uni website consists of quite tough units.

I have faith in him. He will make it.

We will make it!

I said, "We must do this for our kids. We must."

Yes. We will make it!! :)

The count down to 31 ..

And I thought I am 32 this year muahahaha!! Okay, not funny!

In 10 minutes, I am gonna be 31. What have I achieved at 30? One word comes to mind now: happiness. Yes. I am happy. Though the first half of me being 30 was more of teary scenes and stuff but recently, I am happy, especially after that one major step I made on 1st January :)

I wish to be happier at 31. I will be! :)

Happy birthday to ME!! :D

The consequence...?

Just got home now. Sharul insisted on bringing me to RIPAS Hospital just now as today I had the asthma attack .. the usual consequence I get when I am very depressed. I was doing better after consuming the anti-biotic pills last week but today, my condition had worsen. Have I gone allergic to my cats? Please don't .. They are my dearest therapeutic creatures :(

This afternoon I took Prince Whiny and Fluffy to the vet. At his usual self, Whiny sat most of the time on my chest, though while driving. He refused to be put anywhere else. I guess he found that specific area "comfy", if you get my I mean *sigh* .. and so, to my surprise I realised, I found it hard to breathe when he was near, or to be more specific, when I smelled his scent. That never happened before. Getting on my further experiment, I tried smelling Fluffy. Yep! The same result ..

So I thought, I have grown allergic to them! Oh no .... :(

Later at 8pm, Sharul took me to a traditional massage. I usually see Pak Dollah when I have my sudden asthma attacks. He knows to heal my condition by massaging the points at both my feet. I'd feel better at breathing after an hour of the massage. But I didn't get the same feeling tonight. Having my puffer expired, that didn't help much either. So, Sharul took me to the hospital, after finding two private clinics closed at around 9ish.

Now after two puffs, I feel much better. The coughing annoys me coz every time I do, the asthma attacks right away. The doc gave me the brown puffer, the stronger one, but I just don't want to use it coz as I did in the past, yes I felt much much better, but I found my self weak mentally. I started feeling lost, unsure of things I'd done or simply forgot things I'd said even. Friends and colleagues had suggested me to stop taking the brown puffer fearing that it had affected my condition in other ways. So I had quit using it. Besides, I had been better. The specialist doctor that I used to see did say that one day I would have to stop using the brown puffer if I did feel way better. And so ... we'll see how my asthma condition goes. If it's gone worse then, I shall be prepared with the consequences I got for trying to be better off from the asthma condition.

I should start hiking again I bet. I'm sure my lungs have gone weaker now or I wouldn't get the asthma attack again. The weather has been very hot lately that most everybody has stopped going out exercising.

I guess I should go out early morning at 6am to start hiking. Lulu .. coming??


PS: Good news on the check-ups just now, my blood pressure wasn't high, alhamdulillah. The continuous health diets have proven their success yeay!! :D

The powerless me

This first sentence took me a great sigh to start with. I'll just let everything flow now coz I see this as a therapy. If you find the content here ugly, or makes you smirk or whatever, you may leave this page by clicking the above X button at the top right corner of this page.

I am still trying to calm down now. What happened yesterday happened again today, only worse. I have done what I could following the ministry's guidelines, having no power to erase, delete, change, disobey, what has been stated in the so called "green book". Any decisions made are all based on the book. Any actions taken are all as stated, written, printed, in the book. My self, as a civil service, an officer, is just following what's been instructed. Facts. Nothing else but facts.

But when a party does not agree with the rules, do I have the power to change and disobey the black and white statements in the book? No I don't. When the party rebels and starts calling me names and such, what power do I have? Nothing. Even when I tried to explain, making sense of the content of the "green book", do they listen? No, they don't. So what power do I have left? I am the powerless me. Even the "green book" can't say a word that would protect me. Or any other officers under me. What's left of us?? Powerless! Even when my life was at risk and threatened, where's the "green book"? Did it protect me? No, it didn't. It did NOT!

And so there I was, pin-pointed at, called names at, this and that. And there I was standing right in the front line with one intention to make things clear, yet what did I get? Nothing. I was even threatened. The few minutes of my life today was all about humiliation, insults, threats. Many eyes were on me and the raging party. The more words coming out of my mouth, the more shouts I got and in the end, I was almost punched in the face. I was powerless. Yet I knew, IF the fist did land on my face, the state's rules will protect me. I have faith in that. And I always knew I was never wrong because what I have done was all based on the "green book". With this, I faced them without fear. Not a bit.

I am glad that I have a supporting group, who would stand by me amidst rage and hatred. And I am proud that I could control my self today, when the "old" me would fight back and create a big mess. Another second of screaming on my face today had almost cost me my life: me, punching them in face instead! Alhamdulillah. I am proud I wasn't like them today. I am proud that I didn't look ugly today. Alhamdulillah to that.

Now I am going to tell everything to DF of what happened yesterday and today. I was advised by most that I should file a police report within 24 hours of the threat on me. But honestly, knowing the procedures, it would cost me my time and everything to do so when I have already wasted my precious time on such inferior intelligence party these past two days.

And to have to be dealing with them after my working hours is just the last thing I want to do!

Or I just shall leave my fate to Allah. If the threat does come true, many eyes witnessed it today and Allah will be there to protect me. I have faith in that. Aaamiinnn..

The "unseen" tasks

And so .. this week's hell for me. Well, professionally I mean. At one occasion, I was standing at my table, looking down at my mountain-high books that I needed to check and without me noticing, I said out loud: "I wanna quit my job!!!" Hearing that, my colleagues in the same room laughed. "Now now, you must be stress Suzi. Take a deep breath," and so I did. Then of course, I laughed too. Gosh. What a hectic week!

It is during this time that I tend to wish and dream that the job as a teacher is just simply ... teaching. My mum was a primary school teacher herself and towards her retirement years, she was sighing of exhaustion and at times, she'd compare the job of a teacher then and now. I am thankful that she was one because she'd understand my being late home as I had to stay till 4pm every day trying to finish up the untouched work. At times, it feels like the day flies so quickly yet too much work is still undone. And at the end of the day, you reach home and bam!! You're out of energy. I am thankful too that I am now used to not bringing work home. Why? I deserve a good long rest after the long hours at work. I keep advising my colleagues who happen to be working under me to do the same as I do. So if you're bringing piles of books beyond the school gates, you better hide them from me if you don't want me to scream at you!

But looking back, I wasn't like this. Too sensitive over stuff and taking other things so lightly. Maybe I am still traumatised for feeling "unwanted" after contributing too much sweat at the previous work place I worked at. I think I don't want to give too much anymore. Or maybe simply, I just can't be the same "me" a few years back. Years ago, my brain and willingness took control of everything: my body, my mind. Now, I guess it's different. Way different. Now, my body is controlling me. Everything about me. I can't push my self anymore. I can't do as much as before. Because I know, if I do, it's me who will have to suffer physically. I now know I shall prioritize my health and shall not push my self too hard. And so, my brain has set that button. Thus, the old "me" has gone. Dead.

Yet, when time is running fast, and too much is unsettled, I'd silently wish that the old "me" is at present. I wanted to have that super energy back so I could do everything and have it done in a second, feeling less exhaustion than I feel now. At times, I admit, I miss the old "me". I miss the time when I enjoyed working and complained less. I miss that super energy. Of course, NOT the workloads.

And I hate parents who seem to "unable" to see how their children behave in school. I hate it most when they blame other kids, even us teachers, for their children's misbehaviour. I hate it when parents do NOT cooperate with the school when they in fact want something in return. These types of parents are making our lives teachers more difficult! If they cannot take care of their own children, the least they can do is TRY to understand that us teachers are looking after 1000+ children in school. Do we complain? Not when these children listen to us.

What we need are, parents' support and trust. Is that too difficult to do?? Especially when we teachers are also their children's P-A-R-E-N-T-S?? I am not saying all parents are not cooperative. Not few are. And I am thankful and I always pray that they will continue to support us, to believe in us, because we teachers only want to achieve that one aim: to see our children grow healthily, mentally and spiritually educated. I am sure all parents out there agree with me. Now, what I don't understand is, why in the world an existence of such parents yang menyusahkan keraja guru?? Chehh!!

Well, anyway, just letting go of my frustration here. Lately, I experienced not once, but many times of uncooperative parents. They really made my day. I am just ... speechless! I pray that less parents would be like that and I pray that "those" parents will eventually see how we teachers are struggling to give the best for their children. Aamiinnn to that!

I am going to enjoy my Friday tomorrow. I need sleep. I need rest. 12 more days to the trip to Bandung is now my way to soothe the hurting feeling I have inside now. I don't hate my job. I just hope that I could handle it better in future and of course, no more uncooperative parents in my diary. No more please ya Allah. Aaamiinnn...

The teary scene

I was doing my work at my table when a fine Chinese lady came in and asked for her son. So the routine followed. I checked the name of the son in the name lists that my department has and it appeared that he was the kid I thought he was: my very own student. The lady in front of me looked so much like him. He resembled her fair skin and face features shall I say. A smart boy too.

So while waiting for the kid to arrive, I entertained her, starting a conversation and such. The starting point of the brief chit chat, she had tears welling up her small eyes. I stared down and saw a plastic bag of bread. I assumed it was for her son. It touched me even deeper! Yet, I had to keep my self easy. It's always hard keeping my tears from falling seeing parents like that, for whatever reasons. And so, I offered her my box of tissues. She thanked me. So I continued:

"Your son is a smart boy. Very well behaved. He always does well in class .." bla bla bla hoping that she'd calm down a bit. Then she replied:

"Oh that's good. How about his Maths? He failed his Maths last year." Wiping off her tears, I could see the worried look on her face. So I told her I wasn't so sure about that as I am not teaching him that subject. Then the serious conversation started:

"Very long time already I don't see him. My son. So I want to see him."

"Are you always away?" I asked.

"You mean?" she echoed.

"I mean, are you always away from Brunei? It seems like you seldom see him."

"Yes. I seldom see him (sighed and wiped her tears again). He is staying with his father. I am not allowed to see him. His stepmother won't allow me (wiped her tears again)."

"I see .." was all I could say.

The next minute, she was asking permission to see her son during break time. I said, it's not advisable seeing him at the school canteen but she can do so at my office instead. She thanked me. This time her eyes were glowing. I hoped then I was doing the right thing. All I knew then was it was wrong, VERY wrong, to forbid a mother from seeing her very own child, no matter the reasons may be. Very very wrong!!

Our conversation was cut short. She had a wide smile on her face as her eyes laid on a boy figure at the door. He was surprised. A happy surprised. Then he looked at me and said:

"I thought I had done something wrong that I was called here .."

I smiled:

"No. You didn't do anything wrong. Salam your mom.."

So he did and I excused my self.

From my table, I hid my face behind my laptop screen. At times, I peeked through seeing both mother and son talking. I overheard their conversation too as from where they were was just a few metres away from my table. She was asking about his studies, his tests. A lot of stuff. She was crying all the way as she kept wiping her tears away. The son was trying to comfort her but in the end, he himself took a piece and wiped his own. Both mother and son were crying softly within conversation.

I then overheard the mother complaining about the son's torn songkok. He was just smiling. He didn't want to answer her but simply saying, "Nevermind. It's ok." It was obvious that he didn't want to trouble her. What touched me even deeper was when she said that she still kept his new year's 'ang pow' and she would buy a new songkok for him if he wanted her to. My heart melted hearing this. He didn't want to burden her and she at the same time was trying to make him feel less of that! What a beautiful bond. Such strong power of love!

The bell rang and the kid should be in class soon for his next test paper. She followed him out, leaving my office. Both with teary eyes but all smiley :') Such touching scene.

She thanked me and I was lost for words that I only nodded. The two left and I cried my self a tear of pain.

I hate when this happens! Divorced parents should not end up like this! I pity the kid more. He's a strong boy. Very smart. I hope that he will go through this situation wisely.


PS: The first month of me teaching, he was left without a workbook while his other classmates had had theirs. His reason was always the same: "My father is busy because my stepmom is pregnant now. He is looking after her." So I offered to buy him the book and he just had to pay me back. Or he could ask his friend to do that for him. I bet he chose to ask his friend to do him the favour as he got his workbook the next lesson I entered his class. Such a mature kid. I hope he can handle his emotion well. I pray Allah will give him strength at heart always aaamiiinnn....

The Khan story

"My name is Khan. And I'm not a terrorist."

Such short message but it shook the world. At least in that movie. The cinema was full again tonight. Luckily we bought the first two tickets last night or else we wouldn't be able to watch it just now. Many words could describe the movie. No words but good ones. Like that one scene when Khan was taught by his mom when he was little: "Only two things that make human different. The good ones and the bad ones. No other difference." You'll understand this message when you watch this movie.

What I like most about the movie is, it conveys what I have always had in mind about Muslim terrorists. Such disgrace because nothing in our Holy Quran ever mentions about killing innocence as good deed. Not at all. And this movie does represent this well and how such group who called themselves Muslims and proud of their so called "jihad" gives a bad image of us Muslims to the world when we as a whole have never had anything .. anything to do with their acts. May Allah show them the light to the right path. After all, they are still our brothers and sisters in Islam. Aaamiiinn...

Sure I cried watching the movie and I'm not ashamed of that. There's so much truth in the "Khan Story" that we Muslims can't or fail to say to the world. We care less about what's going on out there, those acts by our brothers and sisters of Islam. What we care a lot more is to live in peace and harmony, deciding on going on with our own lives. Why do we do this? Because we are afraid of the world's perceptions on us. This movie shows some views that would change the history of humanity. Trust. Faith. Belief. Peace. These, among others, if we have these, insyaAllah, Muslims will not be seen as terrorists as a whole. Why? If everybody has trust in Islam, how it works, and how it shall be obeyed, if faith remains and belief unchanged, surely peace will always exists. Not only among the Muslim societies, but everybody. Everybody around the globe.

Another scene presented in the movie was when this practitioner was trying to brainwash his Muslim brothers towards the so-called "jihad". Khan, who was there at the gathering in the mosque argued to this man's words, which he called the "satanic" words. He was using Ibrahim a.s.'s story of sacrificing his son, Ismail a.s., following the will by Allah s.w.t. He used this as a weapon to open the eyes of the Muslim men in the group, making them "see" that Allah demands killings for "jihad", although it would involve the killing of Ibrahim's own son.

Khan rejected this by saying that Ibrahim was loyal to Allah's words despite the words by a stranger of disobeying the will. How could a father kill his own son? The stranger would say. But Ibrahim did not listen to this stranger because he had faith in Allah. He trusted Allah. He believed that Allah would not let the blood of his own son flow from that sacrifice. He kept his faith at heart and he passed such test. Alhamdulillah for him for not listening to that stranger.

Who was that stranger, the Muslim men in the group asked. Khan answered: satan. Indeed. And with that, I agree. I always do. Now, who are those terrorists now? We know the answer.

And yes. My name is Suzila. And I'm not a terrorist.

The uncertain alert

I got home late today after a long afternoon meeting. Gotta write up the minute later before I start forgetting the details. I feel warm and weary. I hope am not getting infected by those coughs and sneezes at work. Please Ya Allah. I don't wanna fall sick :(

So as I drove into the junction to my house, I saw long queues of cars parking on both sides of the road. The first question that came to mind was: "Who died?" I recalled of not getting texts of calls from home so it couldn't be anyone in the family, alhamdulillah. Then I thought those cars could've been the parents waiting for their kids from school (my house is near a primary school so ..). Then I intended to go downhill towards a mini shop to buy me a $5 easi. Indeed, someone did pass .. I saw men and women gathering outside a neighbour's house. There was also a tent: the usual scenery when someone was lost. Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun .. From Him we came so to Him we return ...

At the shop, I asked the cashier: "Who died?" She told me who it was and when I asked of the cause of the death, she said, heart attack, some time at 3pm. The body was yet to be home so the burial would be held tomorrow then ..

As I got home, I asked my brother whether he'd heard of the news. Our parents were already at our neighbour's. What baffled me was, the one my brother mentioned was not the same person I was told by the cashier just now. I was like ... who died?? Now my parents are not home yet. Whoever it may be, I pray that his or her soul remains blessed and placed among those with Imaan, aamiinnn ...

Death doesn't send us the alert. It comes and brings our soul with it one day. I pray that when my time comes, I am ready for His Jannah without troubles. I have sinned before and I know time is running shorter for me as I breathe. I pray that Allah forgives me and gives me a chance to be better. I pray to stay healthy, strong and be His obedient servant.

I pray that I am placed among those whom He loves ... aamiinnn ...

The scrambled thoughts

I feel like writing but I haven't got anything in particular to share this time. I actually need to get to bed now but my head just won't let me. I've had a migraine on the left side of my head since this afternoon. I don't want to take the panadol coz I read somewhere that a tablet of it would last 4 years in our body and so it'll affect out body system throughout this period. In the end it would result to the malfunction of our kidneys. I don't know whether this is true or not but I'm pretty sure do not dare to try out for the actual outcome, whatever it may be.

On my way home just now, I was listening to the radio about donations for the victims of earthquake in Indonesia and typhoon in the Philippines. I gotta say, the donating service online through texting is responsible to the birth of generous public here in the country. I haven't sent any to this particular collection though. Not that I don't trust the service but I guess it's been set in my head that such donations might not get to its intended destinations or hands of those victims. I learned this during my Public Affairs course in A'Level back in 1997/1998. Our lecturer at that time used to say that some countries' support and help didn't get to be delivered as intended but taken away by irresponsible parties, especially those governments with very very bad political issues. I guess it's in my head that if I were to donate some cash, it won't get to where it should belong to so in the end, I couldn't get my self to make those textings. God bless the victims.

I've been missing the "Katak Atas Tempurung" series now. I used to listen to it every Tuesday or Wednesday at 7.30am on the way to work. This year's timetable has been changed that requires us to be at school before 7.30am so I never had the chance to get to listen to the series this year. It's a loss for me personally because I have always admired the writer of the series, Tuan Haji Husin bin Abdul Rahman, who usually conveys his thoughts and read by a female deejay. I admire most of his writings and what he shares have always been something that we see around us yet we're too care less to notice. His writings never failed from making me think and realise how some little simple things could be made into such beautiful and expressed thoughts. I wish to see him someday, interview him and learn tips at better writing. I wonder if he has a blog. It would be really nice to see it coz I'm sure I will miss the series this year definitely.

Oh this migraine is killing me! I hope it would be gone tomorrow as am gonna have a long ride to a secondary school in Limbang, Sarawak. It's a professional trip, a second after last year's to SM Kebangsaan Merbau in Miri, Sarawak. I hope there won't be a long queue at Kuala Lurah and I DO hope that the seniors won't be playing those dangdut songs like last time!

Or this migraine will stay all the way! Errghh!!

The signs of..

I got the signs .. This year, I've been given two big duties. And I DON'T fancy it!

Hope there won't be anymore past experiences. I hope there will not be me being unhappy with my job again. Stressed with the pressure of overloading extra duties. Headaches over worries of being perfect.

No more! Two YESes, and next will be a big NO NO!

For the record, I am happy now. After 6 years of teaching, I am finally loving the work I am doing because I FEEL it now, like the first few years of starting off. Alhamdulillah for His continuing bless, making me at ease and lessening my worries. I don't get anymore heavy headaches and I am sure this is because my blood pressure has lowered down. My asthma is no longer here, thank God, especially with the weather Brunei is having now. Alhamdulillah.

I will definitely say NO next time. Definitely!!