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Wednesday, 17 March 2010

The powerless me

This first sentence took me a great sigh to start with. I'll just let everything flow now coz I see this as a therapy. If you find the content here ugly, or makes you smirk or whatever, you may leave this page by clicking the above X button at the top right corner of this page.

I am still trying to calm down now. What happened yesterday happened again today, only worse. I have done what I could following the ministry's guidelines, having no power to erase, delete, change, disobey, what has been stated in the so called "green book". Any decisions made are all based on the book. Any actions taken are all as stated, written, printed, in the book. My self, as a civil service, an officer, is just following what's been instructed. Facts. Nothing else but facts.

But when a party does not agree with the rules, do I have the power to change and disobey the black and white statements in the book? No I don't. When the party rebels and starts calling me names and such, what power do I have? Nothing. Even when I tried to explain, making sense of the content of the "green book", do they listen? No, they don't. So what power do I have left? I am the powerless me. Even the "green book" can't say a word that would protect me. Or any other officers under me. What's left of us?? Powerless! Even when my life was at risk and threatened, where's the "green book"? Did it protect me? No, it didn't. It did NOT!

And so there I was, pin-pointed at, called names at, this and that. And there I was standing right in the front line with one intention to make things clear, yet what did I get? Nothing. I was even threatened. The few minutes of my life today was all about humiliation, insults, threats. Many eyes were on me and the raging party. The more words coming out of my mouth, the more shouts I got and in the end, I was almost punched in the face. I was powerless. Yet I knew, IF the fist did land on my face, the state's rules will protect me. I have faith in that. And I always knew I was never wrong because what I have done was all based on the "green book". With this, I faced them without fear. Not a bit.

I am glad that I have a supporting group, who would stand by me amidst rage and hatred. And I am proud that I could control my self today, when the "old" me would fight back and create a big mess. Another second of screaming on my face today had almost cost me my life: me, punching them in face instead! Alhamdulillah. I am proud I wasn't like them today. I am proud that I didn't look ugly today. Alhamdulillah to that.

Now I am going to tell everything to DF of what happened yesterday and today. I was advised by most that I should file a police report within 24 hours of the threat on me. But honestly, knowing the procedures, it would cost me my time and everything to do so when I have already wasted my precious time on such inferior intelligence party these past two days.

And to have to be dealing with them after my working hours is just the last thing I want to do!

Or I just shall leave my fate to Allah. If the threat does come true, many eyes witnessed it today and Allah will be there to protect me. I have faith in that. Aaamiinnn..


Lulu said...

Suzi, I have heard the story... be strong.. u did nothing wrong.. do not feel sad by the incident.. it shouldnt break u.. that person is basically being unreasonable.. his actions were witnessed and his threats heard.. evry1 can see vry clearly what is right n wrong, unfortunately it was not that person...
don't lose faith.. it's just one of those tests in life that you have to go through.. u will b alright..

Suzila A said...

thanks lulu. yes, i am still trying to cool down. the ego side of me is still not satisfied for all the humiliations those people cast on me. yet i am proud that i didn't fight back coz my brain was controlling me at that time, not the ego. alhamdulillah to that. thinking back, i'm very very proud i gone it through strong and without fear.

yeah well, if something does happen to me, i have witnesses. i know i shouldn't worry now. thanks for believing in me lu. thank God tomorrow's last day of work or else, i'd die of stress!!

ps: will tell u details of what happened today. let's go out soon. dinner? ;)

amaryllis said...

Stay strong and insyaAllah everything will turn out fine as long as you're on the right side. Without this kind of people in this world there'll be no challenges and nothing to make us stronger. So just take it as it is because it's from God, and pray for the best. *hugs*

Lulu said...

yes let's have comfort food.. it's allowed haha... just tell me when.. or maybe a Sheldon-therapy haha...

Suzila A said...

doll, thanks for being there though physically we're miles apart. thanks again *hugs*

lulu, comfort food+sheldon-therapy is a great idea!! am free till 22nd. at rem's? :) will text ya k! thanks lu :)

Anonymous said...

Now I remembered why I quit my job!
But I admired you!
You are a strong lady, Insya Allah you will be fine :)


Anonymous said...

i seriously enjoy your own posting choice, very remarkable,
don't give up and also keep writing since it simply truly worth to read it,
impatient to look over even more of your well written articles, goodbye!

Suzila A said...

hi syair. thanks. i understand why teachers quit their job now. i am too gonna quit one day. really.. when we're doing nothing else but our job & others tend to question or accuse you of not, it sucks! what can we do? we're powerless!

anonymous, thanks. this page is open for comments & suggestions. thanks again!

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

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My engagement: 01.01.10
Suzila Ahmad

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