The powerless me

This first sentence took me a great sigh to start with. I'll just let everything flow now coz I see this as a therapy. If you find the content here ugly, or makes you smirk or whatever, you may leave this page by clicking the above X button at the top right corner of this page.

I am still trying to calm down now. What happened yesterday happened again today, only worse. I have done what I could following the ministry's guidelines, having no power to erase, delete, change, disobey, what has been stated in the so called "green book". Any decisions made are all based on the book. Any actions taken are all as stated, written, printed, in the book. My self, as a civil service, an officer, is just following what's been instructed. Facts. Nothing else but facts.

But when a party does not agree with the rules, do I have the power to change and disobey the black and white statements in the book? No I don't. When the party rebels and starts calling me names and such, what power do I have? Nothing. Even when I tried to explain, making sense of the content of the "green book", do they listen? No, they don't. So what power do I have left? I am the powerless me. Even the "green book" can't say a word that would protect me. Or any other officers under me. What's left of us?? Powerless! Even when my life was at risk and threatened, where's the "green book"? Did it protect me? No, it didn't. It did NOT!

And so there I was, pin-pointed at, called names at, this and that. And there I was standing right in the front line with one intention to make things clear, yet what did I get? Nothing. I was even threatened. The few minutes of my life today was all about humiliation, insults, threats. Many eyes were on me and the raging party. The more words coming out of my mouth, the more shouts I got and in the end, I was almost punched in the face. I was powerless. Yet I knew, IF the fist did land on my face, the state's rules will protect me. I have faith in that. And I always knew I was never wrong because what I have done was all based on the "green book". With this, I faced them without fear. Not a bit.

I am glad that I have a supporting group, who would stand by me amidst rage and hatred. And I am proud that I could control my self today, when the "old" me would fight back and create a big mess. Another second of screaming on my face today had almost cost me my life: me, punching them in face instead! Alhamdulillah. I am proud I wasn't like them today. I am proud that I didn't look ugly today. Alhamdulillah to that.

Now I am going to tell everything to DF of what happened yesterday and today. I was advised by most that I should file a police report within 24 hours of the threat on me. But honestly, knowing the procedures, it would cost me my time and everything to do so when I have already wasted my precious time on such inferior intelligence party these past two days.

And to have to be dealing with them after my working hours is just the last thing I want to do!

Or I just shall leave my fate to Allah. If the threat does come true, many eyes witnessed it today and Allah will be there to protect me. I have faith in that. Aaamiinnn..