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Thursday, 17 September 2009

Another f***ing drama!

Last night, I chatted with our Singaporean chaperon who came to Brunei last year for the camp Danny and I managed. He made my day saying the camp we organised was the best he'd gone to and that it was a good combination of both traditional and adventure. I am glad, so glad that he could see the hardwork that Danny and I had put into the camp last year.

Last year was awesome for me personally. Though I was busy like hell, I still enjoyed every single minute spent working on the camp. Of the many experiences, I can still remember the hassles Danny and I faced. The paperwork was thick with our original ideas, going here and there experimenting activities that could be called "adventurous". Not only that, we had to walk on foot in Bandar to settle things our way, go up and down offices, meet new faces, go to various places solving numerous ideas we put in bla bla bla. In short, we were multitasking throughout the year.

By mid 2008, the pressure at work and the camp was getting higher. Yet, Danny was an awesome partner. He'd be there all the time and I must say, we put on weight coz of multiple times of detoxing the pressure in restaurants we came across LOL! It was great. Great times!

Towards the end, before the camp started, I guess my body couldn't take anymore of the workloads, especially on the camp but despite that, I knew deep inside I had to be there for everybody. Personally for me, I had to be in every part of it coz I'd worked so hard, spending every drop of my energy since the very beginning that leaving it half way through was not an option. It was suicide. I was weary. My body was not responding well to the active brain of mine.

That one night, after a long discussion with Danny about the camp, I was involved in a road accident. I hit a car in front of me. I guess I was way tired. Besides, it was raining. I was alright though the steering wheel hit my tummy hard leaving bruises on. The sudden hit also bruised my toe as it hit the brake hard enough. My car was wrecked but the driver ahead was fine. That's what I cared about most at that time.

This whole thing was just the beginning actually. Soon before the camp started, I had an asthma attack. I guess my body was so weary that my immune system wasn't strong enough to fight the attack. I hadn't had it for 16 years so you could guess how bad it had been to me working on the camp. I must say I was pushing my self too hard when I wasn't strong enough to hold on to every single thing. The truth was, I just couldn't stop. I loved doing it. I enjoyed it too much. With a great partner like Danny, I couldn't resist putting all the effort in everything.

The so called drama didn't end there. The asthma attack was so severe that the doctor advised me to not join in the camp. I couldn't do that! Not after all the hard work I had put into. I felt cheated. I did hand in the MC letter to the authority, just for procedure's sake but I still presented my self in most of the activities. Not all, but I managed. This was when the big issue came in. I sensed 'it' but what the hell! It was MY camp. I just needed to be there. Enough said.

The camp was over, so was me in the whole big screen. The scene this time was simply without me in it. I hate to admit that I am forgotten. I saw, I heard, projects went on without me. Meetings held with my seat empty. I was .. AM forgotten. They have my numbers. They just forget to call me.

So last night, when the Singaporean camp chaperon told me that the next camp is gonna be held this December, boy am I not surprise I wasn't informed about it when it has been confirmed. When I referred back to Danny, I guessed it right. It IS an old story. Long known by all but me.

I feel ditched. I feel bad. This whole thing rattles me inside. It has been since this year but tonight, after mailings with Danny, I couln't hold the tears from falling anymore. All these times I just kept it in me, wondering why the treatment. Even Danny couldn't answer me. He also feels I don't deserve to be treated this way and I know he means it.

This another drama is yet another hit in me. After the multiple back stabbings, which I thought were enough, this particular drama was way hurting.

Why can't 'they' see me when 'they' can see others?

Why others can see me but 'they' can't?

Career wise, 2009 so far, sucks. It's been demotivating me. I am healing in some ways but I just hate it when everytime I began to crawl up, they attacked me again and again, from many sides.

I wish I knew what I'd done wrong coz I feel I haven't done any. Even Danny can't seem to see the invisible mistakes that I did.

That's a wrap for another f***ing drama of mine.

4 comments:

Lulu said...

Suzi, i know it hurts but dont let it stop u from moving forward. u did ur best.. i know n saw how much effort u put into the camp, n risking ur health at the same time.. all i can say is PATIENCE..

Suzila A said...

thanks lulu. i'm in demotivating phase still now. hope it'll be over soon coz it hurts so much. i'm trying my best to calm down. i hate seeing my self this way too coz it ain't me. i miss my old self but there's not much i can do, especially now. the pain is too much to bear. thanks for being there. i appreciate that..

Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum :)
Be strong dear

syair :)

Suzila A said...

Waalaikummussalam. thanks Syair.. trying to. hope all is well with you dear..

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

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Suzila Ahmad

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