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Friday, 13 March 2009

Lost Again ..

I feel like writing something now but can't really come up with any topic other than my up-side down life.

Mum just sat down with me a moment ago asking why would Sharul want to see her and dad. She guessed it right when Sharul wants to discuss the 'merisik' occasion. When the marriage topic came up, she sounded ... I dunno. I sensed disagreement in her voice *sigh*

So I said, we'd just want to proceed with engagement, at least for the year. Maybe the wedding can be held next year. She then sounded at ease but when the money matter concerned, she sounded worried again *sigh*

I can't think straight now. I'm blur. And I'm hurt.

Somehow this settle down matter is not as easy as I thought it would turn out to be. I did tell myself over and over, something bad would happen but this ... I cannot accept. This is my life. The only part of me that I yearn to keep. Is God preparing something or someone better for me? Is there light at the end of the tunnel of my so called dark winding road?

Anyway, I don't dare to complain. Irman's email just now made me realise something, which I'd like to share with all:

When God listens to your prayer, hence He loves you ..
When He delays your wishes, hence He is testing you ...
When He doesn't grant what you ask for, hence He is planning something better for you
So, never think bad of Him ... NEVER!
No matter what, in whatever conditions ...
God's love is always for us all ...

I know this message is true. I have faith in it. Allah is testing me. Above all things that I have with me, He is loosening my grasp on some of them. On top of my success, He gives me workloads trusted on me. With all those friends I have around, one or two are sending unwelcome gestures. Yes, I feel it all. I taste the goodness and feel the pain.

Of all these dear God, You know the only wish I dearly need You to fulfill. I know You listen to me, and I know You only give the best for me. I am just a servant of Yours who begs for a little bit of a life-time happiness. And I beg for You to grant me that little wish ..

I'm all tight. My hands can no longer write and say my thoughts well. My brain is freezing from thinking of the solutions. My eyes can no longer shut and let my head explore dreamless sleeps.

My life is up-side down.

I can't think. I can't do anything. I can't breathe easy.

I am hurt ...

3 comments:

Princess Gizmo said...

....I'm speechless.... Bawa banyak-banyak sembahyang hajat & istikharah saja okay? Insya-Allah ada jawapan tu.

Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum Suzi,

I'm soooo sory for u after reading your latest post.. It very painful once we are in the situation between love and loyalty... I do understand this because I tink until now I'm trying to be " a better daugher in law" in my partner's family. I'm not anak yang nama bapanya ada "begalar" :) macam biras-biras ku yang lain... I know it tiring but I have to for the sake of my children. Why I choose this life? Easy... I believe this is my faith. Banar kata kawan u, bawa sembahyang hajat & istikharah *syair*

Suzila A said...

Thanks girls .. Thank you for the kind words and support.

To Maya .. Thanks for the quick chat. I will try do what you suggest.

To *Syair* .. Waalaikummussalaam. How are you? Yes, these two are just too hard to hold on to, especially when those around you are not supportive enough. What you're doing is a choice that a mother would surely do. I'd do the same. You're stronger than I am, I believe so.

Thank you again girls *hugs*

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

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My engagement: 01.01.10

My engagement: 01.01.10
Suzila Ahmad

The engagement ring :)

A cake from him

For him

With my dad & Sharul's :)

With my mum and his :)

With two of my closest girlfriends: Azean & Yanti :)
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