Holding on ..

I have been thinking a lot lately. Any time that I am free from touching anything work-related, my head just can't stop wandering about trying to get hold of the shade of tears that's blurring my life recently. Within prayers, I couldn't ask for more. I know He knows what I want ..

I am afraid to let go. Since the talking, I sense Sharul's absence. Am I letting go? Or is he? I'm not quite sure. Am I scared? I don't know either. This pain .. was here before. I can feel its presence now in me, again.

Work was hell, as always. I can't wait for the next week's hols, though I have a 2-day camp to deal with. What's maddening is, they MADE me the Camp Commandant, even without consulting me. They made me write up the camp activities proposal, which my Friday was spent on. Little that I know that I AM the commandant!

The one thing that I hate about being at work this year is, those people, they made you do things! The system sucks when they just HAMMERED you with numerous tasks WITHOUT calling you or telling you in advance of whatever multiple workloads you're gonna get. Did I reject? I did. Did they listen? No they didn't. They DON'T! Their famously reason, I quote: "There's no other people who can do it than you." Sucks isn't it!

I did talk to a colleague, whom I always referred to in terms of professional advice. For the first time in 5 years, that was the first time I shed a tear in front of him. It's embarrassing, I know. But I couldn't help it. He suggested me to apply for transfer. But you know what! Those devils should leave, NOT me! They are the bad people! NOT me!

Seriously, I am tempted to delete the above, but this time, I'm gonna listen to my deeper hunch. It's too much! I hate them!!

My life's up-side down. My work's hell.

Dear God, You know what I want. You know what I need. I am sure You won't test me beyond my sense and ability. I am holding on. Please make me strong.

Please make Sharul hold on to me. Make him fight for me. He's distant now. I can't ..

God, You know better ..