Distractions

I need to heal. Gotta make myself busy. To forget all the bad aura. To build my self esteem again. I need to. I've mourned for too long. Silence kills!

What works for me so far is reading. I am hooked on 'Eclipse' now, the third book of the 'Twilight Saga'. I got emotional over Edward's overprotective moves on Bella. But I love him when he seemed to grow up in the end. He reminds me of Sharul a lot. Sharul does, sometimes, get on my nerve. Making my day dark and blue. Making things worse. But in the end, he's still the one I'm missing. Love makes you crazy!

We went out watching 'Harry Potter' at The Empire last night. With us were Irman and his Temburong bunch of friends, Lulu and her bro, and Zahara; my colleague, and her bro too. Since we had to allow the Temburong friends to get to Bandar through Limbang after 4pm, we had to take the 11pm show. Poor Sharul. He was looking forward to watching it but since he'd had a long day at work, he snored half way through the movie. He left early and I went home with Lulu. Thank God he got home fine. He was really tired last night..

I'm gonna start reading 'Harry Potter' books as soon as I've finished the 'Twilight' series. How ironic it seems when I had never thought I'd choose sticking my nose on books to distract myself from all the shit my life is turning to at the moment. So far, reading works. I hope it will always be.

Or else I'll have to start thinking of something else to keep myself busy. Any suggestions? I'm dying to be happy again. I really am! *sigh*


PS: An ex colleague once said: "Happiness depends on how you see it. For me, I am happy because I choose to be happy. You can too Suzi.." - If only life can be that easy, I'd be more than happy to push my 'happy' button at this very minute!

Things I wish she knows ..

She has changed. That's for sure.

Sometimes I wonder, is it me, or is it her on one of those days, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I can't seem to think why she's acting so .. not her. Sometimes I'd have to go through silence, not knowing what I had done wrong.

She was just quiet. And that face. It was .. blank.

I always wonder what's playing in her mind when she looks out that window. Am I ever in her head? If I am, what is she seeing?

I miss her. Though we're together, I still miss her.

At times, it hurts when I reached out for her hand but she snapped mine away. She'd look away too. As if watching the magic's gone away. Our magic. I wonder where it's gone to ..

I try to understand her but the harder I tried, the further away she goes. I feel that as if she's slipping away from my grasp slowly. And I can't let that happen. She's my life.

We need to talk. We need to resolve this but how do I start?

Something is missing. She feels that way. I know. She is losing something. But what is it? Is it me? She needs to know I am here. Forever here for her.

I will not let her go. Ever.

Now, as it is ..

I had neglected this page for quite some time. I had one reason: the writing mood was gone. Somehow, the typing 'button' was switched off by its own, though I have lots to share with all out there.

With the 'extra' demand at work, especially with the crazily increasing pandemic here in the state, the only mood I have left after work is .. rest. Not to mention the scare and paranoia I am feeling after work, also the making-sure-I-don't-get-the-symptoms phase (by checking my body temperature every hour) and lack of sleep due to the next door bloody rooster which starts waking everybody up at exactly 3.30am in the morning, my life the past weeks has been ... hell. Even blogging is out of question lately. Until now.

I went through a lot recently. I realise the bad experiences I faced at work the past weeks have so much affected my view on getting on with work life. I guess I am traumatised with all the bad treatments. I hope I will find the cure soon. As much as I hate saying this, I miss my on-the-go moments few months back, where my time was spent on work and trust was given fully to me by the authorities. I miss working without feeling the fear of 'shadow' eyes watching me from afar and 'wicked' whispers in those ears. I miss the moments dearly.

Last week, I met up with Danny. We had late lunch together and he confessed, he was in that lazy mode at work. I was too now, I confessed. This might sound bad, but I was glad he felt that way. At least I am not alone in this path I am walking along on. He needs a new working environment he believes, and I have passed that. I was settling down well until ... *sigh*

Socially, everything is fine. Today the BLA+1 went out for Lulu's advanced birthday lunch treat at MOD Thai Restaurant, followed with photo sessions taken by her brother at The Empire Hotel. The time with the gang has always been very nice. I miss them always. I miss hanging out with them every free time I had at work like before. I miss the fun. Always.

They miss me too, they said. Leng always says that whenever we met. Johnny still blames me for leaving (though I kept saying I wasn't). Mas is always there still when I am down coz she'd give me comforting words in her text messages. And Lulu, she's there to support me in my continuing diet and weight losing. I am always grateful having a friend like her who waits on the peak when I am still panting climbing up the hills at Shahbandar and Markucing.

Honestly, I feel empty. I did log in to this page several times before, clicked the 'new post' button, but the only thing I did was stared on the blank page for hours, unable to express my thoughts out. In the end, I logged out, failing to type a word on the new post. Despite the many things I wanted to share with all, I feel zilch. Nada. The mood was just not there to put up the stories.

I feel worse when I am alone. All happy moments when I am not would disappear. I couldn't fight the agony. Not yet. I am trying, I swear I am. I guess the impact of the hit is so big that though I laugh or smile on the outside, the inside is still mourning.

I am mourning the loss of the 'old' me. Sharul misses it. I sense it.

When we're together, sometimes I get angry out of small things. Tiny things. I get sensitive over ridiculously childish matters that he's go nuts about. When I get back to myself again, I'd regret but I knew it was already too late. I hurt him, I know. In the end, I hurt myself for hurting the man I care about most in my life.

This phase of my life I know is going somewhere. Somewhere to a place where I feel the 'peace', where I find my smile and laughter again. This time, the ones coming from the heart. I hope it is soon. And I know, one day, when that phase has come, and I turn back to read this post again, I know I will smile, maybe remember back the tears I'd cried and the pain I'd endured, and feel blessed for I have gone through the hard times with pride.

So I said to myself:

When the destination is set, no matter how long the journey takes, it doesn't matter. Life is much lovelier when you meet experiences and obstacles along the way..

Daulat Tuanku!!

Today is the day when all subjects in the state listened with awe to His Majesty's titah. I listened to it on the radio on the way back from work this afternoon.

I hope all eyes are open now. New plans are made. Improvements on the way (hopefully). One thing for sure, we thank His Majesty for his never ending care and love to us all.

Congratulations to His Majesty for delivering the TRUTH.

DAULAT KEBAWAH DULI TUAN PATIK!!

The HOT topic!

I was tagged in a note posted by Fred (in Facebook) entitled Demanding Further Extension of School Holidays taken from here. If you click the link, you'd see many views on this hot topic: some made me worried, and quite a few made me smirk and roll my eyes.

This is what I posted on Fred's note:

"There should not be show cases or concerts whatsoever since these would attract ignorant public (& teens). The increase of cases lately is due to close contacts, i.e. these public gatherings.

On the other hand, yes, life must go on. Exams are around the corner, especially students sitting for big exams. However, I think it is better to monitor small groups of students than having to monitor the whole population of the school. So, I think, exams should go on but students go home soon after exams finish. Those not of exam classes, should stay home, at least for another week since the H1N1 worsens these past 2 weeks.

I personally think that reopening of schools should be reconsidered. It's really worrying. I am not a parent but I understand what parents are feeling. My advice, don't send your children to schools yet. Schools may be reopened but I am sure schools will understand if your kids are absent at this phase.."

Enough said ..

And read this too. I agree to this person's writing .. And watch this ..

Tea with BLA+1

Roslin treated us at Wecan Restaurant at Gadong today. I was a bit late: finally paid my prima bills after losing its sim card for the past 3 months. Anyway, it was a meeting I've always been waiting for since I seldom see the group after I moved to other work place. As usual, we had a blast and I am glad I still feel I am part of the family :)

Thanks to Roslin for the treat and wonderful gifts!! Happy birthday Roslin!! :D

Enjoy the pixies! :)

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What's on our table today!

Love the room! I didn't have to wear my mask since it's private ;)

All of us: m.i.a. Suria.Birthday girl and the birthday cup cakes :D
"S" stands for ...? Hehehe :P

The cat theme gifts from me :) Glad she loves 'em!

The gifts from Roslin to all of us, but different individual pictures :)

M.i.a. Leng. She left early.Souvenirs from Roslin, Niza and Johnny. Roslin and Niza went vacationing to Vietnam while Johnny went to Phuket :)

Final goodbye

No words could describe the hurt and sadness that the world is feeling with the loss of the greatest icon ever borned ..

Michael Jackson, we thank you for the music you made, the songs you created, the moves you danced for us. You will be greatly missed ..

It is sad (and had been) knowing the many speculations following his life, now his death ..

As his brother, Jermaine Jackson, had said in an interview with Mark Leuer today:

"Michael is a gift, from Allah, and He is taking him back. The world didn't appreciate him. The world loved him but certain people in the industry didn't appreciate him. And his time on this earth, he did good. He wanted it good, for everyone ... He wanted to change things through messages in his songs, his lyrics, through his actions ... He worked so hard to do good but it was perceived a different way ... Those people weren't ready for Michael that's why Allah took him back. Michael was a gift ... I guess a lot of people that really said most awful things about him they'd realize now how much they loved him ... Michael [was] being a wonderful person, a wonderful father, a caring person, a humanitarian ... a person who would give his last, his whatever, just to make someone else happy."

His funeral is this Tuesday. His Neverland would be his final resting place. May you rest in peace Michael.

Al-fatihah ..

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This is a song, a tribute to the loss of legend soul sung by The Game,Usher, Chis Brown, Puff Diddy, Polow Da Don, Mario Winans and Boys II Men.

The first time listening to the song, it felt like a shot to my heart. It's painful to seeing and losing an icon so remembered and loved by many. I am not a huge fan of Michael Jackson and I don't remember his every song and lyric. But like any other, I always follow his stories and latest songs. His songs that I grew up with are "You Are Not Alone", "Do You Remember", "Scream", "Heal The World", "Heaven Can Wait", "Beat It," "We Are The World", and countless more. I always loved watching his music videos and my all time favourites are "Do You Remember" and "Scream".

Michael will be greatly missed. May you rest in peace Michael .. :(

I remember the first time I seen you Moonwalk,
I believed I could do anything,
You made the world dance,
You made the music come to life

[Chorus]
This the type of song that make the angels cry,
I look up in the sky and I wonder why?
Why you had to go, go
I know it's better on the other side,
You were chosen from the sky
Never go, let you go

Who's Michael Jackson,
Your Michael Jackson,
I'm Michael Jackson,
We all Michael Jackson,

I guess what I'm asking is everybody bow their head,
For a legend don't breathe for a second,
Now let the air out,
Grab the hand of somebody you care about,
So you can hear my message, my confession,
Someone tell Usher, "I seen the Moonwalk",
I guess the young "Thriller" touched him,
Like he touched me, like he touched you,
So carry on his legacy, something I must do,

So I trust you lighting candles, concrete visuals,
Me and my brothers listen to Jackson 5 in the living room,
First thing I did when I heard was call Puff,
Cos him and Mike tried to stop the beef between us,
Who was us?
Me and Fifty, that beef is dead,
Him and Mike Jackson gonna take us to the ledge

[Chorus]

As I'm pouring out this liquor candles start to flicker,
When list my air ones, MJ was my nigger,
Not the one that play ball,
The one with the hollywood star,
And since I'm a Hollywood star I'm gonna tell you my story,
Never had a family that close,
Never see Barry Gordy walking through interscope,
Just like me they always had Mike in a scope,
No matter what you say,
I'm gonna love him and he's still dope,

Let me take you back to 85,
When I was in a zone,
Dancing for my momma "Thriller" jacket with all the zippers on,
Now I'm doing 90 'bout to crash in this Aston,
Listening to Outkast, I'm sorry Mrs. Jackson,
Anything I can ever do to better you,
Your son was our king so we won't Corretta you,
I'm writing this letter to all the Jackson kids, we all Jackson kids,
Time to let us through

[Chorus]

People can say what they want to say about you,
But we gon' remember the miracles that you showed us,
Through your music, through your dance, through your
You were the one that made us all realise,
That "We Are The World",
You are the one that showed us we can Moonwalk,
You gave us the beat, you gave us the rythm,
You gave us the soul,
Through us your legacy lives,
We can't stop now, we won't stop now,
Mike Jackson

[Outro]
This the kind of song to make the angels cry,
Look up in the sky, ask God why,
Why, why, do we live,
And let it die

Read the story about the life of the King of Pop here.

RED ALERT!!!

The latest statistic as recorded today: 1 death of a 12 year old and 27 new cases. Total up to 97 cases of H1N1 in Brunei .. It's spreading fast like fire! Please take precaution people ..

Wear your mask everywhere you go outside home. Wash your hands after touching dirty or open surfaces. Use hand sanitizer more often: avoid touching your eyes, nose or ears without doing so.

DON'T go out when you feel sick but check yourself at the clinic ASAP! Don't risk your life.

Let's pray for our safety ..

"Ya Allah, Ya Rabbi .. The almighty, the merciful ..
From You we came from and to You we return.
Please protect us from harm and bless us with safety and health.
Please embrace us in Your forgiveness for our failure and carelessness.
Please provide us a shelter in Your Jannah.
Aamiiinn Ya Rabbal Aalamiiinn .."

Abo's wedding pictures : )

The wedding day is the day when the bride and groom are made king and queen for a day. The couple wears royalty-like costume, usually clothing made of songket. While the groom is wearing a dastar with keris in his right hand, he bride wears a veil and a tiara on her head. She's also holding a bouquet of flowers.

28.6.2009 was the big day for our brother and wife: Saiful Rizal bin Ahmad and Diana Abdeenah binti Mail. The groom had his guests at our residence then left to Songket Ballroom at Rizqun Hotel where the bride was waiting. Our brother was wearing blue at home, then changed to white to match with the bride's glitterish white songket gown.

May the couple have a long-lasting marriage with additional versions of them both soon! :)

Here are the pictures snapped on that big day. Enjoy!! :)

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Venue: Our residence
Time: 10:45 - 11:45 am

The souvenirs for the guests :)

The souvenirs committee members ;)

The groom ready for 'berziarah' ceremony in blue :)

Our dad leads the 'berziarah' ceremony, followed by the groom and our uncles :)

Meanwhile, our mom leads our aunts for the 'berziarah' ceremony :)

The groom getting ready for the 'bersanding' ceremony. Now, in white :)


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~~~Bersanding ceremony~~~

Venue: Songket Ballroom, Rizqun Hotel
Time: 1:30pm - 2pm

The slide on the lobby of the hotel. The right picture chosen! :)

At Rizqun Hotel, outside Songket Ballroom, our uncle takes the groom for 7 rounds ritual before entering and meeting the bride :)

He whispered that he felt dizzy after the 7 circles lol!!

Waiting to see his wife and then 'bersanding' :)

On the aisle :) What a lovely couple!!

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~~~Children at the wedding :)~~~

Haziq, our lil cuzzie :D

Baby, Yanti's niece :)

Our cousin's daughter, like a princess! :)

Zainul and Haziq

Baby Aiman, Yanti's nephew. Handsome boy!! :)

Heeee Ah Chong!!

The bride's flower girls. Aren't they cute!! :)

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~~~Cousins in action ;)~~~

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~~~The other couples at present ;)~~~

Bahri and Nora

Nurul and Ede

Yanti and Rahim

Me and Sharul *wink wink*

Me with Sharul's mom and sisters ;)

Us with the newly-wed :) *ambil berkat hehe*