With the 'extra' demand at work, especially with the crazily increasing pandemic here in the state, the only mood I have left after work is .. rest. Not to mention the scare and paranoia I am feeling after work, also the making-sure-I-don't-get-the-symptoms phase (by checking my body temperature every hour) and lack of sleep due to the next door bloody rooster which starts waking everybody up at exactly 3.30am in the morning, my life the past weeks has been ... hell. Even blogging is out of question lately. Until now.
I went through a lot recently. I realise the bad experiences I faced at work the past weeks have so much affected my view on getting on with work life. I guess I am traumatised with all the bad treatments. I hope I will find the cure soon. As much as I hate saying this, I miss my on-the-go moments few months back, where my time was spent on work and trust was given fully to me by the authorities. I miss working without feeling the fear of 'shadow' eyes watching me from afar and 'wicked' whispers in those ears. I miss the moments dearly.
Last week, I met up with Danny. We had late lunch together and he confessed, he was in that lazy mode at work. I was too now, I confessed. This might sound bad, but I was glad he felt that way. At least I am not alone in this path I am walking along on. He needs a new working environment he believes, and I have passed that. I was settling down well until ... *sigh*
They miss me too, they said. Leng always says that whenever we met. Johnny still blames me for leaving (though I kept saying I wasn't). Mas is always there still when I am down coz she'd give me comforting words in her text messages. And Lulu, she's there to support me in my continuing diet and weight losing. I am always grateful having a friend like her who waits on the peak when I am still panting climbing up the hills at Shahbandar and Markucing.
Honestly, I feel empty. I did log in to this page several times before, clicked the 'new post' button, but the only thing I did was stared on the blank page for hours, unable to express my thoughts out. In the end, I logged out, failing to type a word on the new post. Despite the many things I wanted to share with all, I feel zilch. Nada. The mood was just not there to put up the stories.
I feel worse when I am alone. All happy moments when I am not would disappear. I couldn't fight the agony. Not yet. I am trying, I swear I am. I guess the impact of the hit is so big that though I laugh or smile on the outside, the inside is still mourning.
I am mourning the loss of the 'old' me. Sharul misses it. I sense it.
When we're together, sometimes I get angry out of small things. Tiny things. I get sensitive over ridiculously childish matters that he's go nuts about. When I get back to myself again, I'd regret but I knew it was already too late. I hurt him, I know. In the end, I hurt myself for hurting the man I care about most in my life.
This phase of my life I know is going somewhere. Somewhere to a place where I feel the 'peace', where I find my smile and laughter again. This time, the ones coming from the heart. I hope it is soon. And I know, one day, when that phase has come, and I turn back to read this post again, I know I will smile, maybe remember back the tears I'd cried and the pain I'd endured, and feel blessed for I have gone through the hard times with pride.
So I said to myself: