The one missed :'((

i miss the old times
i miss the laughs
i miss the time when
i wish it lasts
i miss when we're together
i miss us then
i miss when you hold my hand
and see me right in
i miss the past
the one we cast
i miss the games
i miss us

i need your time
your one attention
i need your love
your true affection
you made me cry
for countless times
even now typing this
my tears keep falling

will we end like this?
forever like this?
neglecting each other
hurting like this?
why are we here then
when we're not happy?
what are we doing
when we keep hurting?

i can't go on like this
if this is how you are
if i can't make you complete
so why are we together?
where is forever
when our hearts sore?
where is love
when this pain unsorted?

i want to see
to understand
i want me you need
together we stand
hold on tight
to each other
endure this pain
together as one
will that we become??

The last raw!

I am off the wedding preparations now. He has made me feel like I am the one, the ONLY one doing everything for the wedding. And I hate that! I want him to play a part too. A small part would be greatly appreciated! But nooooooooooooooo! He doesn't!!!

We had a fight last night and he ended up being super quiet. I even nagged asking him to say something but did he reply?? No he didn't! He kept looking at front and driving, like I didn't even exist!!

So that's it! I'm gonna stop from preparing, or even thinking of the wedding from now on until HE changes and gets his ass off doing some helping with the wedding!!

Oh, what wedding??

*copied-pasted from google image*

PS: THIS is still occupying him! Baik tah kawin sama ikan kali!!!

The alerts

The thing with Ramadhan is when every family is giving out invitations to tahlil and doa arwah for the those who had passed on. My aunt had one last Friday. I didn't go coz I hadn't had my iftar at the fiance's for a week then so I decided to go to his place instead. Then you know with the family gathering and such. Stories came up here and there. Luckily, it's Ramadhan so gossips were exceptional hehe :p

When I got home, mom was telling what Aunt Hjh Isah (my aunt's - who is my mom's sister - sister-in-law) was asking when me and Sharul would be going to her boutique to have our nikah's and wedding reception's outfits measured. She even told mom that couples marrying in December had had their outfits done way before ours. So since then, my brain has gone nuts at trying to figure out how we want ours would be like. I mean, I've bought the Pengantin magazines since June (I think) but I haven't sighted the right styles and fashions that really caught my eyes. But I do decide that I will be wearing hijab at all occasions. Sharul prefers me to anyway and so....

Then comes the caterings for our wedding events. Mom is insisting on Sharul to cater another aunt's service (which provides free packets of biscuits for all guests). His mom wants to see the dishes yet the aunt still hasn't given us the lists and price. I will be getting her service too. I don't have much choice now that mom has made her decision. In fact, I am thankful coz what's left now is me paying the aunt the service, without even have to think of what dishes I would want to serve to the guests, since mom has officially volunteered to look through and decide on them menus.

Now the souvenirs and wedding invitation cards.. We've sent the deposits to Jejen so he could pay up the companies that are making our wedding gifts and invitation cards. It costs us B$500, equivalent to about Rp3juta. I texted him but he said he was in Jakarta, yet to go back to Bandung. I hope the money gets to the right bank account or I would be scratching my head at trying to get extra cash for those deposits! I hope to hear from him soon.....

At Miri yesterday with Sharul, we went to Imperial and Parkson and he helped me look for pairs of shoes for Raya. I ended up buying only a pair. At Parkson, he chose a pair of Bonia shoes, which he found pretty nice and well designed. We also looked at some men's. So, we decided to come down to Miri again next month to buy those last few items for our hantaran. Mom will be joining. I bought two samples of gift bags for my Berbedak Ceremony. Remember when I wrote about her continuing worry over my gifts for the guests? The one she keeps on adding on? Well, I found two bigger gift bags and she likes one of them (I prefer the other one though but then again, I don't have much say *sigh*). I hope we'll get discounts when she's coming next time coz she's really good at bargaining eheeeh ;p

I've Googled on "Malay wedding gowns" but still haven't found what I wanted. I guess I'll continue tomorrow... Now, time to bed... I hope I'll dream of a nice wedding gown. Two nights ago I dreamed of a beautiful wedding bouquet of lilies and red roses :D I guess mine will look like that on my wedding day and night receptions heeee :D

The backfire!

I drove back to one sole theraphy I have now: the cats! At DF's, who is now still working, the cats are caged LoL! They must have annoyed babah for some reasons hehe. But Fluffy was there at the door welcoming me. One look at her made me go smiling all the way. Yes, I am in love with this Queen! Whiny is still sleeping now at the cats tree house. The aircon is doing so good at making them quiet now. And the cage LoL!

After Zuhur, I sat down, Fluffy on my lap and I took the phone. I started texting coz I refused to let the pain stay for good this time.

So, reading back the text, it read:

"XXX, come to think of it, damn jua lah aku damam dulu tu but what to do, I did try my best to show up though I was seriously sick. Too bad all that were overlooked. Good for you still being recognised when I have been forgotten. It hurts being treated like shit cematu but who am I to make them see the truth. This year's project pun I can't involve, atu pun if diorang ingat aku jua ah huhu.. Damn it! I hate remembering all these. Thanks to you for bringing it up! What's worse, I can't help my self from thinking, IF I wasn't sick, would I be at least at a higher rank than I am at now? Or better yet, be like an ass kisser like you? Hmm... Toink!"

He did reply. "Forget the past", he said. He thinks I have the potential of becoming a leader (which I personally don't really agree to coz I know my limits and that there are still LOTS to learn). He said, the concerns only "see" mistakes and "forget" the deeds I had done for the whole thing so no point looking back. Well dude, you MADE me remember, remember! Bleurghh!! :$

He ended texting:

"It would be great if you are in my team!! I really want eh! If dapat high rank, definitely I will never forget you..."

For the record, I didn't ask for recognition from him if he ever made it to the top. He made the promises to get me, and our so called "team" to be in his one office. "We would make a strong team", he once said. I'd say, him stating it dreamily LoL! Crazy guy!

He fired me today, I fired him back! Good job Suzi! :D

Now, where's my Queen??? :)

The truth always hurts

Today, just now, I felt like I was slapped in the face. With hollow laughter, I listened to that one thing that had haunted me the past years but with a blunt comment from a someone so close, the impact I get is like BAM!! A big ouch on my side personally.

I knew that if I wasn't sick 2 years ago, I could / might be a somebody today. "Would have been a high rank" he said. Am I to blame when I was dying of my sickness at that time? Am I so unfortunate for being unable to be there at the peak of the project? What power did I else have than trying my best, though at my limit, to be there to at least show up?

Saying the truth to my face did catch me on alert. Now the regret is raining over me, again. I have lost a lot it seems now.

Thank you friend for pointing out the past. Thank you friend for stating the truth. Thank you for bringing it up when I had tried so much in me to forget the so called "mistake" that I made.

Thank you so much.

The bad dreams

Alhamdulillah, I just had my sahoor. I did wake up earlier. Thanks to that bad dream I was having. I seemed neverending coz I remember waking up crying but as soon as I went back to sleep, the nightmare continued its phase. I also remember asking my self, why am I crying, seemingly subconscious at that time, hugging little Garnette soundly sleeping next to me. Fluffy also woke up as I turned to my right, probably wondering why her master was crying in the middle of the night.

In my dream, I was witnessing the most disgusting scenes. I saw my dearest cousin's hubby having an affair with another: but NOT with a girl. I didn't wanna say it coz it just hurt so much. In that dream, I swore to tell my cousin of what I had just seen but he stopped me, begging in tears. I felt disgusted! Yet at the same time, as I saw the cousin come to the scene after the argument, I went tongue tight. I didn't know how to start or what to say. It had hurt me much knowing the truth, what's more her if she did find out. This is when I woke up and turned to the felines for a console.

Later on, as I drifted back to sleep, the scenerio came to image again. We, me and the cousin, were visited by Danny, a dear friend. I so wanted to tell him everything, hoping that he would give me solution to what I should do about the matter. He didn't get the hint, the very opposite of how the real Danny would react to any of my ideas. I was so upset and wondered what on earth was going on.

Then I woke up with a loud text coming from my dad waking me up for sahoor. I was glad they happened in the other side of my subconscious brain.

Thank God it wasn't real!

The must-have kuehs in Ramadhan

Here are two recipes from our kitchen especially in Ramadhan: the "Kueh Cucuk" and "Kueh Putri Mandi". I just observed mom and sister doing the mixing up but later on did some helping out shaping the mixed flour into balls or kuehs. Good luck at trying them out girls! :)

The ingredients:

1. 2 big spoons of tapioca flour / tapioca starch

2. 1 tin of Ayam Brand coconut milk (santan) cream

3. 1 teaspoon of apple green colour

4. 1 teaspoon of "perasa" pandan leaves

5. 1kg of (shredded) coconut

6. Sugar to taste

--> The mixing:
Mix the flour with the coconut milk, colouring and pandan taste.


--> The shaping of "Kueh Cucuk" into tiny green balls..

--> The shaping of "Kueh Putri Mandi" with sugar filling..
--> Then cook both ball shapes into boiling water in a pot..Tips: the kuehs are ready when they have floated about after a few minutes


-->Separate the two:

--> "Kueh Cucuk" balls to be mixed with shredded coconut that has been cooked with sugar..
--> And mix "Kueh Putri Mandi" balls with shredded coconut that's been cooked without sugar..

--> "Kueh Putri Mandi" on the left and "Kueh Cucuk" on the right <--

:) GOOD LUCK! :)

The lacking

I am sooooo jauh hati with the DF now. He has grown interest in a new hobby now: keeping fighting fish, of any kinds and colours. He's befriended a colleague, whom I don't really admire coz sorry to say, he's too childish to hang out with. But too bad DF's car is still in the garage that he's spending more time with the kid coz he's in need of a transport to work. And yesterday, I gave DF a call over lunch time. I was surprised knowing that he was in Miri with the kid and another one, whose name sounded like an Indonesian. So I was like, inda kraja kah today? And DF said, "temporarily out", whatever that means!

Then later that afternoon, DF came home with a handful of fighting fish in bowls, assisted by the kid. I was like, more fish pets?? I know they cost nothing (some fighting fish costs $1.50 each) but it's the time he spends with the fish that is a big loss for me. And with the increasing number of fish and its tanks now, I swear I could see his money dancing around with the creatures in the water!!

And just now, I checked his FB wall. Guess what's posted there ..... Him commenting on other fish owners' photos. So I guess he's planning yet another purchase of those scales. I am jealous coz he prefers them than me now. It's like, he's marrying THEM but me!

Our wedding is in 4 months. We still have a long list to do. I need his attention. Jauh banarrrr hatiku ni kamuuuu~~~ :"(((

The long awaited day

Tomorrow will be 1st Ramadhan when it'll be 2nd for both Indonesia and Malaysia. It seems that Brunei is located at the other side of world than being a neighbouring country to the two states above. I remember when I was little, we used to fast and celebrate eid on the same days. When Brunei couldn't sight the moon, if either one of the countries did, we would start fasting or celebrate eid anyway.

Last year, a relative came to visit us on eid from Labuan. We were having our 1st Syawal while there in Labuan it was their 2nd. So he got to experience 2 days of 1st eid jumaah prayers: one back home, and another here in Brunei. It was an amazing experience for him indeed :)

Well, the main thing is, Ramadhan is here again, alhamdulillah. Ramadhan Mubarak everyone. May this year's be the one coming with barakah and rahmat to us all aamiiinn.. :)

The good news

My alarm clock wasn't working today but luckily Danny texted me. It was 6:45am and I was like, WHAT! I read his text and then off to shower. It took me a while replying his message. It was good news and of course I was happy. He's just been promoted as a Deputy Principal at his school and as his best friend, I am super happy for him. I admit I have a clinch of envy in me. I mean, who wouldn't want to be promoted right.. Well, congrats buddy! I am proud of you :')

I didn't manage to go get the Kursus Kahwin form yesterday. I had forgotten that I had to attend a sharing session in Gadong. I was hungry coz I didn't get the time to have a bite at lunch time: I had to update the boss on cases that me and my members handled yesterday morning. Complicated ones, which left one of my men in a dilemma. This is what happened when one did NOT listen. Well, anyway, the sharing session was awesome (despite me in empty stomach and having migraine - the condition I always end up in when I am hungry). I learnt dozens of ways at teaching my SAP level reading. Then again, it would involve money and so.... well, I will find ways!

I am off to another meeting in an hour. It's the follow up meeting of last week's course. My group and I will have to share what we've got from the course and present in front of teachers in the area that we will be assigned in. I had fun with The Heroes last time. I am sure I will have a blast this time too :D It will be tiring no doubt but it is the sharing part that I always enjoy. I hate keeping things for my self, especially ones that are beneficial to the rest.

Last week, as I was done marking their test papers, more than half of my classes failed the test. I wasn't angry. Rather, I asked my self, what have I done wrong? I have spent much of my energy out to try reach and teach my kids. Whatever I learnt in courses I attended, I would try use them as much as I could with the aim to help them pass the tests and exams. And so I told each and every one of the students to write whatever they think of the paper, the questions, and even me as their teacher. I told them to write anonymously to enable them to express what they've wanted to say to me in the paper, even to curse me as they wish to do. If they think it's my way of teaching that's resulted to them failing, they should say so in the paper. I gave them 10 minutes to do so.

The results?

ALL of them blamed themselves for failing!

ALL wrote down that I am their best teacher, that they understood what I had been teaching them.

They failed because they didn't understand the passage.

They blamed themselves for not knowing much vocabularies.

I couldn't believe what I read! What does that leave me?

And so recently, I lent my teen's years story books (and my sister's) to my students. They're old but still in good conditions (my sister and I only read the books once then left them in our home shelves to rot!). Since our school is new and is short of books in the library, it's hard for me to build interest in my students to love reading. So I had a browse through our home library, checking our books out (those that are suitable of course) and lent them all to the kids. Today, I asked them what they think of the books they've borrowed. They answered, "They're fun teacher!" :) As I left the room, a student came after me, with an R.L. Stine's in her hand, asking me the meaning of the word "suffocate". I find this amazing! I mean, my students read!! :'D

I've got to go. All good now. I hope it will always be.

The (long) list??

Alhamdulillah, I am now better. The visit to Lawas ended me up sick. Real sick. But after that prompt traditional massage (which left me having a really bad bad dream that night), alhamdulillah, I am fine. Now I am left with a slight cough and flu, but no more asthma. That's the "better" part that I meant :) I can breathe easily now compared to last week. Having Ramadhan in two days, I think I can survive the days without my puffer now :)

Last Friday I got the text from Jejen, our Indonesian middle man, who has been helping us with our wedding invitation cards and souvenirs. The bad news was, price of stuff in Indonesia has gone up and so, we have to pay extra pennies to our bookings and orders :(( So yesterday DF and I went surveying for invitation cards. Blimey! They cost twice the price we got from Jejen!! So, we have finally decided to just carry on with the orders and bookings, though we have to pay more huhu....

I've got MUAs for all my wedding functions (yes, pluralized! - we have to go through 5 different wedding ceremonies - which means, more cash out uhuk uhuk!!). So far, on estimation, I've spent around 10k on wedding souvenirs and hantarans. Mom has helped a lot with the souvenirs: last night she added some more gifts to the ones we bought in KK last June *sigh*. This is what happened having a worried mom! She worries so much that the guests would say this and that to the ones we've prepared. The more weddings she attended, the more she wanted to add to mine *sigh*. Well, layan saja tah. Bukan nya mau dilarang hmmm...

I pity Sharul for having to spend more than me. First, he has to give me the 5k Belanja Hangus. Then the Langkah Dulang. Also the Tanda Kasih, which is an addition of another 5k... The hantarans for me have cost him another 3k... And more to come, the caterings of his 5 functions. Then the photography packages (which are on discounts - I am blessed having cousins who are into this kind of business :D), and wedding costumes and stuff (which we agreed to share). That will cost us another 1.5k each. Sometimes we felt like we have overspent our budget for our wedding. Yet it always leaves us feeling like something is still missing.... Hmmm......

So, things to be done after Eid (November the latest):

1. Register for Kursus Kahwin
2. Pay the wedding packages
3. Pay the photography packages
4. Decorate our hantarans
5. Wrapping gifts (which will be posted here from Indonesia by October)
6. Preparing lucky draws presents
7. Book honeymoon packages
8. Book hadrah and guling tangan (for wedding)
9. Book Fred's and Fay's dancers, deejay and memukun team (for night reception)
10. Wedding invitation cards to guests

Okay, I didn't realize I still have 10 things to do yikes! Is there more?? But it's decorating hantarans that will occupy most of my time. The rest, I think, I can do in a blink of an eye.. I think..... huhu.....

I hope things will go on well. I mean, I am not in the so called panic mode yet. I don't know why huhu.. I think I've been in the comfort zone for far too long that I don't feel worried much about all the wedding preparations. Should I worry?? Ayoyo!!! Suzi, wake up laaa!! Huhu....

Ok, list no1 to be done tomorrow afternoon. Set!!

The painkillers?

Yesterday's presentations went ok but I didn't contribute much in the afternoon one as my coughing had gone worse by then: I coughed every time I opened my mouth so we decided that I'd be excused. Thanks to the girls who were so thoughtful. They even found me a bottle of water to ease my trouble with breathing. At times, I'd sneak out to the restroom to take 2 puffs of the inhaler, which could relieve my suffocation for an hour at most. After break time, I vomited the food I had just eaten. I guess my body is reacting to whatever I've taken in, how ever it would help, or not. By 4ish, I had gone feverish.

DF took me to Bridex after a quick meeting with a friend, Joanne, at Twelv in Qlap. It was a cold evening that I had started shivering. We made it quick: an hour and a half and DF bought a special cutter (for $10, to complete his next mission of building an aquarium for his ever growing fish collections), and a slimming balm. It's supposed to flatten his bulging tummy in 14 days LoL! We'll see if it works to him or not hehehe :p

After Bridex, we spent another an hour and a half with my friends at Bombay Palace in Batu Bersurat. Our dinner was quick coz I really had to go. I was feverish still and my coughing had gone much worse. I was struggling to gasp as much air as possible through chats. It was Ain's request for a meet up before her delivery next week. Unfortunately, only me, Lulu, Leng and Johnny could make it.Baby Alyssa was so friendly compared to the last time we met her. I had to hold my self from hugging her, afraid that I'd infect her with my cold and cough. She waved and flew a kiss when me and DF left. Cute kid!

At home, I embraced my self with wet towels, hoping that my fever would finally fall. I purposely didn't want to see the doctor coz if I did, I'd be given an MC. I am avoiding that coz one, I have another afternoon course tomorrow, which is compulsary for me to attend; and two, I had gone for a week and an addition of a day or two off would give me a bad image. Besides, I had had 3 days MCs altogether this year. Being labeled as "chipsmore" by the admin people is the last thing I wish for.

I woke up at around 3am last night. My fever had gone low and my coughing had been better. Thanks to colleagues' recommendation to try Hurix's Gamat Cough Syrup. It works miracle to me. I could also use lesser puffs of the inhaler. I didn't want to overuse it. And I could feel lighter at the back of my neck (I was seeing stars yesterday at the workshop, indicating that I had a high bp) with Fluffy as my company for the night. She was so attached to me when at the same time tried to let herself free from the damped towels and t-shirt that I was wearing. She never failed from making me feel stress-free.

Today, with no fever but a chill, I had a body massage. The aching muscles were treated thank God coz the pain was burning into my bones all night. By midday, we were off to The Mall to watch "Salt", which we enjoyed. Angie is always a hottie! Coz of the cold temperature in the cinema (I was wearing a thick jacket but it was my waist down that was chilling badly), I have been suffering from muscle aches again, especially at the thighs and knees. On the way home, after dropping off stuff to my brother's house at Bunut, I vomited the lunch that I had had today. Luckily I have always had plastic bags a.k.a my cheap rubbish bin in the car or else the image will be ugly.

Now, I just woke up from a quick evening nap. My legs are killing me! The aches seem to be attacking my bones :( DF is on his way buying me Tokusen the muscle patch. I hope it would heal the pain for good..

With all the sufferings that I am having, DF concluded that it could be the impact of me being in unfamiliar places: at my uncle's whom we rarely visit except during eid, and the Lawas trip last Friday. But I was insisting on saying that I might have had food poisoning coz I have the symptoms so clearly. One, the countless vomits and visits to the loo to pee and pass motion; two, the high fever; and three, the muscle pain. I have tried almost everything and so far, only the coughing syrup has shown its miracle.

I guess it leaves me with paracetamol, the tablets I so much try not to take. I hope I will do better by tomorrow coz it will be a long day at work :(((