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Monday, 30 November 2009

The lies

I just read a dear friend's entries which shocked me. A week off the lappy, this is not what I fancy seeing :'( I wish I am there for her lending her my shoulders to cry on. I hope she will keep writing because I will be there 'listening'. To my dear Izz, I feel ya. Please be strong okay *hugs* ..

I know how she feels. I was in her shoe before. Sometimes when I'm alone, I'd feel that my life is full of drama. A telenovela. Reminiscing my past relationships, I am thankful that I survive each and every one of it. Alhamdulillah. Years ago I felt that I wouldn't. I felt like dying even. Allah is Great. He gave me pain but he gave me life in the end. Alhamdulillah..

In 1992, I had a crush on a guy next door. You know, the monkey love thing. He liked me too and I was crazy about him. We rarely met but would be hanging on the phone for many hours after school. My mum liked him too coz his parents were my parents' college friends. 7 years of waiting, I was eventually his girlfriend. It was the happiest moment then. I was 19 and everything was beautiful. I paged him one day (there was no handphone yet but pager) and his girlfriend returned the message. She called and told me he's hers. I was hurt. The 7 years wait was wasted after only 7 days of relationship. He confessed and apologised. We remain friends now.

Heart broken, I met a guy soon after. It was him making the moves. I liked him at once. Maybe because I was lonely. He was true good to be true. But it didn't last long too. My heart was his till his wife wrote me a letter. Yes, his wife! I had no idea at all. It ended there of course but my heart was torn apart. Again. The wife understood. It was not the first time she said ..

Two years after that, I met another. I was cured then. Thanks to friends in Uni (you know who you are!). It was short too but very meaningful. He was different. He was special. But after three beautiful months, that one night, he called. Crying. His wedding was coming, he said. He was engaged and I was speechless ..

It was the greatest pain I had ever endured. I thought I would die. He said he met me too late. The engagement went on just days before we met. He cried and even begged me to promise to wait for him after 3 months of the wedding. He planned to divorce the wife!! Of course I said 'no'. Though I loved him, I could never do that to another woman, whom I knew was in my shoe too. He rang me up the night of his wedding and to prove his love to me, he left the wife that very night! Silly. I switched off my phone to stop his stupidity. He got the message.

It was painful. But nothing compared to the pain seeing him on the aisle with her .. Years and years I tried to heal, Sharul was there for me all along. He understood well as the third guy was his very own cousin. He knew he was hurt too.

It was love at first sight for Sharul. He knew I was healing so he gave me all the time that I needed. Even when we were finally together, he knew I was not giving him my whole because of what happened. I was trying to save the last piece of my heart, at least for my own. Yet he patiently waited for me. For that, I am forever thankful.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you Ya Allah for sending Sharul to me. Now I am happy. More than ever :')

Reading Izz's entries really break my heart. I know it's too much to bear. Nothing can stop the pain now and I wish I could say something that would heal the pain right away but I know .. I know nothing can do the job now. In her entry I left a lengthy comment anyway:

"i’m sorry this happened to you. i know exactly how you feel. it happened to me too. twice! and i was innocent at both times. be strong. Allah is Great. he is talking to you now by giving you this trial. i know it’s too much to bear but remember, pain is also a cure. it erases our past sins. so be blessed for all these. i know it’s easy for me to say this but i was in your shoe before. and i survived! it takes times of course. after many years i eventually find my happiness. when i lost both times, i blamed them for the pure love that i poured out. can’t blame them too coz they were hurt too.

we all know love comes by its own. we never ask for it. when the time is right, we just feel its presence. are we to blame to feel it? are they to blame to lie to us? when we know they are hurting too? it’s crazy yes. only time can heal the pain. i hope it will not take long for you as it took me.

all i can say now is, be strong. remember, things happen for a reason. now you know the answers to all the confusions all this time right..please be sure that you will be fine because tears may fall and heart breaks today but tomorrow will always come waiting for your smile..

i wish i am next to you now and give you a big big hug. i would lend you my shoulders for you to cry on. singapore is a good idea. relax your mind. meet people. don’t be alone because loneliness can kill you! keep writing and we will be here ‘listening’.. *hugs*

we love you sis. please be strong.."

I wish she'd 'listen' and be strong now. So Izz, please remember, you will survive it. I did .. *hugs*


izz said...

sis, thank u so much.... insyaAllah, surely, i will survive.. terima kasih untuk doa dan kata2 semangat tu...
TQ.. :)

Suzila A said...

I remember a friend's advice and I think I shall share it with you too:

"10% of your life is usually what other people did to you but you have 90% left to react to every single action that they did. So, react wisely."

It helps a lot. Try keeping that in mind *hugs*

amaryllis said...

I read the entry too and got emotional but didn't dare to leave any comments cuz u know how i can be a real feminist sometimes :-p but i do feel like smacking that guy :-p sorry izz. i do care a lot abt you. this is the izz i know, right? kalau salah org bikin malu saja. but i still wanna smack that guy. sukahati dia je!!!!!!!! !@#!@#!#!@#$@##$#@$!~!~~~!##@#@#$@#^&^*^&

ok ok. lol.

Suzila A said...

yes true. i was pissed too actually but i'd like to think that he's suffering too for what he'd done to her. from that entry, i sensed that he was hurt too (i hope!).

just sharing, the guy i waited for 7 years and cheated, he married that woman. he met my mum some time this year and confessed he regretted what he'd done and he looked unhappy with his marriage. how did i feel? surely not happy but satisfied maybe...

does that make me a feminist?? kekekkeee :P

izz said...

aiza, thanx to u too... yup, boleh2, smack jer dia bg pihak tu la bila fikir bab happy dulu hemmm xpe la biar la dia...i rasa mama i doa kat makkah kot tu yg termakbul n i terus tergerak hati cari info dan tahu semuanya...b4 this bukan x pernah cari tp x jumpe pun...hemmm..kan kan... :)

anyway, thanx suzila, thanx aiza...

amaryllis said...

(wah dah jadi forum pulak dalam ni lol..i like!)

suzi: too bad for that guy. siapa suruh dia salah pilih? but look at your life now. at least you're with someone you're so happy with and you're getting 'there'!

izz: tu la kalau betul Allah nak tunjuk, Dia akan tunjuk...esp bila you're on the right side. Izz, you don't deserve this. you deserve soo much better. i know you're worried about your age and all but jgn jadikan that as alasan to just accept him! ada hikmah. selalunya, when something tak jadi, ada something better waiting for you...insyaAllah just have faith and tunggu. we're all going through obstacles. and i still...kalau that guy ada misai...i nak tarik misai dia!!!! geram!!! jahat betul!!! ~ over emo la plak...

Suzila A said...

i agree! Aiza has pointed it out. remember that Izz. macam what upin and ipin said: betul betul betul~~ :P

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

Fun with your photos
Created with - photo fun

My engagement: 01.01.10

My engagement: 01.01.10
Suzila Ahmad

The engagement ring :)

A cake from him

For him

With my dad & Sharul's :)

With my mum and his :)

With two of my closest girlfriends: Azean & Yanti :)