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Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The mental block!

I can't seem to focus today no matter how much I tried. In the end, I made a fool of my self. I think I've been overworked. This week is hectic. The energy used is too much that my body can't bear it no more. It's one of those times when you just feel .. stupid .. at many occasions every time. Don't you just hate that?!

Or maybe I've lost confidence of my own ability. There are too many great people out there in the said group that I feel I am so small and .. stupid. They know too much when I am there going .. blank! And I don't fancy that. I want to know what to say or what to respond to whatever is discussed but so far, I just feel .. empty. Mental block.

I think I don't fit in this group. At least not yet. They are too good. Too good!! I feel I can be like them, sure! But that'll take a long long time to achieve. I need time to be like them. I want to be like them. I want to know stuff. Good stuff. Things that make others go .. "oohh and aahh". I want to give out ideas of things I am good at. Ideas that are awaited by hungry brains out there.

What's scary now, I feel like I am being observed. When I introduced my self to a guy yesterday, he said: "Yes, I know you. I've heard of you." And I was like .. "Oh-Oo!!" The pressure built up right then, especially when a stranger said that to my face. He even smiled. A smile that showed: "Finally! So this is her!!"

I feel great expection of me from the others. Sure I'll do my best. What freaks me out is when deep inside I feel I can't give out the best there is in me. My brain is set to go slow. To let go. Thanks to past experiences I am healing from now. Sometimes I wonder, will there be the past Suzila coming back to present? Honestly, I don't know. I can't seem to get her out of her shell just yet.

I won't be surprised when voices started going out saying: "That is her??!!" instead of "That is her!!" Oh I can feel the sarcasm in my bones now!

*sigh* I wish I can get used to this whole scenario soon or I'll die of embarrassment!

But I promise. I will do my very best. I may feel stupid but I definitely don't want people out there to see me as one!

2 comments:

amaryllis said...

babe, baru la glamour namanya...lol! ;-)

Suzila A said...

this is what i got for being too active before. now dah tua, nak pencen but the rest still think am as good as before. pressure babe!! huhu~~

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

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My engagement: 01.01.10

My engagement: 01.01.10
Suzila Ahmad

The engagement ring :)

A cake from him

For him

With my dad & Sharul's :)

With my mum and his :)

With two of my closest girlfriends: Azean & Yanti :)
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