Or maybe I've lost confidence of my own ability. There are too many great people out there in the said group that I feel I am so small and .. stupid. They know too much when I am there going .. blank! And I don't fancy that. I want to know what to say or what to respond to whatever is discussed but so far, I just feel .. empty. Mental block.
I think I don't fit in this group. At least not yet. They are too good. Too good!! I feel I can be like them, sure! But that'll take a long long time to achieve. I need time to be like them. I want to be like them. I want to know stuff. Good stuff. Things that make others go .. "oohh and aahh". I want to give out ideas of things I am good at. Ideas that are awaited by hungry brains out there.
What's scary now, I feel like I am being observed. When I introduced my self to a guy yesterday, he said: "Yes, I know you. I've heard of you." And I was like .. "Oh-Oo!!" The pressure built up right then, especially when a stranger said that to my face. He even smiled. A smile that showed: "Finally! So this is her!!"
I feel great expection of me from the others. Sure I'll do my best. What freaks me out is when deep inside I feel I can't give out the best there is in me. My brain is set to go slow. To let go. Thanks to past experiences I am healing from now. Sometimes I wonder, will there be the past Suzila coming back to present? Honestly, I don't know. I can't seem to get her out of her shell just yet.
I won't be surprised when voices started going out saying: "That is her??!!" instead of "That is her!!" Oh I can feel the sarcasm in my bones now!
*sigh* I wish I can get used to this whole scenario soon or I'll die of embarrassment!
But I promise. I will do my very best. I may feel stupid but I definitely don't want people out there to see me as one!