The holding back

I drempt of Fluffy last night. She looked fine, clean and chubby. She was her usual self when she wondered of something that's beyond her vision yet remained still looking at me. She wasn't smiling (she never did) but happiness was shown in her clear blue eyes. The same look when she was teasing me when I was sleeping, her not knowing I was actually pretending.

Reminiscing this moment, I remember waking up one early morning when she brushed her little pink nose to mine. As I opened my eyes, she retreated and sat quietly looking all innocent. When I pretended going on sleeping, with both eyes slightly open, I saw her in her crouching position and ready to "attack" me again. I opened my eyes so suddenly. She screeched and turned away LoL! It was a funny moment that I woke up right away and hugged her. She loved that attention indeed as she let me kiss her all over her face.

In my dream, she just looked at me. So radiant. So happy. As I reached for her, I saw nothing around me but an empty bed. I actually looked around the room for her. I felt crazy and broke down crying to bed again, hoping for that dream to come true.

I didn't contact Sharul, asking how Fluffy is doing today. I held back that feeling. I have to. I love the kitten dearly but I am not ready to let her go. If she's meant to leave us .. then it's meant to be. I am not strong enough to see her go but I know I need to let her slip off my hands. So the ego side of me says, let go now. Let the pain flow now or it'll be more painful later.

So I intend to hold back this urge to see her or even know how she's doing. I must care less..

I miss Fluffy :'(