Time's Ticking ....

It's good to finally get online. The internet at home had been a frustration this week!

I didn't wanna stay home so all I did all week was going out with the girls, also Sharul of course, during any free time that I had. I am not complaining but with all the free time that I had, I became so empty. So passive! Maybe I was traumatized with all the workloads on my shoulders in so many years and now ... well, for now ... I am trying not to finish up whatever work that I have NOT so quickly so I would have work to do for the rest of the day. As ridiculous as it may sound, I DO feel empty! Not complaining! Just ... letting out the odds in me huhu~~

Right so .. I went out with the girls dim-sum-ing today. I realised I munched most of the dishes while listening to their 'agony' over work, the place I used to be. Suddenly, all the pain and tiredness rushed into me, as if I WAS still working with them, when I'm NOT. I couldn't help feeling 'mad' with all the mess caused on them. Afterall, I used to feel what they're feeling at the moment.

I can't help feeling the pressure they're having right now but I know, there is no place for me to feel so. Am I glad that I'm out of it? Sure I am. But I am not any bit happy seeing them feeling like &$*@&*$ over the whole thing. I just wish I could do something, like recueing them. But who am I to do so? Sorry girls. So sorry I left and not being with you guys anymore ..

It was funny. Whenever Leng called, I'd say, "Yes, sure! Let's go out!" right away, instead of "Hello!". She'd go laughing and Lulu echoing from the background was enough showing how much they needed to go out! I got nothing to do, they are depressed over work, so why shouldn't I say "Yes"? Afterall, I miss them so much! It's just third week I hadn't seen them daily, after five years of working together. It's a different feeling, light yet empty.

Me: Yes, sure! Let's go out!
Leng: LOL! This girl ah! I haven't even asked, you already said "Yes" LOL
Me: LOL, whatever it is, where ever it is, I'm ON! I'm so bored!
Leng: Bah, let's go to movie tomorrow. Me and Lulu are going. You wanna come?
Me: Hey! I am SO free, how can I say "No"?
Leng: LOL! Lu, you hear this girl said ah!
Lulu: (background) What?!
Leng: She said, "How can she say 'NO' when she's so free!" LOL
Lulu: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!
Me and Leng: LOL!

Well, can't really help it! I need to go out or this emptiness would kill me!

My ex colleagues had also invited me to a Ladies Night, somewhere in Junjungan tomorrow night. It's sweet how they still remember me and still want me around. When I asked if they'd invited 'the boss', they said, "Nope! We don't want her around!" LOL! Hmm ... I guess the hatred have grown since I left. Again, I feel their pain, and anger. The same feelings I used to have.

When I paid a visit some time last week to hand over some of my ex students' books, I received a warm welcome from everybody; asking how the new place was, how I've been and all. I stayed for quite a while chatting with everyone. They seemed to be happy seeing me feeling better and surely I sensed them envy over that feeling that I was having. I couldn't help feeling down, and guilty. They did beg me to stay but it's not that I could choose to do so or whatever. I was TOLD to leave! They were great to work with and I miss them so much ...

I guess, I am not used to being so work-less (if there's such word!). I know it's just a few weeks and so far they've made me the Assistant Head of Discipline. I'm not bragging but that post, it's next to nothing. I'm not hoping to get more, NO NO WAY! It's just that ... I find it hard to get used to. The responsibilities I am having now are too ... few.

You see how traumatized I've been? It's sickening right?!

I met Danny, finally. We hadn't hung out this year and yesterday, it was like old times. I told him how I felt about the whole thing about my job and all. I was surprised to learn that he was pretty upset with my 'demotivated' phase. I told him it's not an easy thing to get on with. Now that you've just been promoted as the SM at your school, of course you wouldn't understand Danny! You see guys, when you did so much, for many years, with all your time and youth, your sweat and sincerity, but in the end 'forgotten', it hurts ...

I am glad to not stay but to be sent out so suddenly, it's like you feel it's too late to even say goodbye to everybody. Even worse, you feel 'unappreciated'.

Thanks Danny for saying, "They've lost someone as good as you." You know what, I feel the same. And I'm not ashamed to say so!

So to fill the time that's ticking so slowly, I read books! Something I almost NEVER did in the past. I did say in the last entries that I always find reading as ... boring. In fact, I thought I hated reading. But not recently. I just finished reading New Moon, now am reading O'Bourke's The Man Who Loved Jane Austen, one of the books I bought at Borders in KL last month.

Speaking of New Moon, gosh! I was so into it! I couldn't stop flipping over the pages. Maybe coz I admire Bella so much and the episode this time was more about her and her thoughts. Her confused feelings over Jacob and Edward reminded me a lot of the time when I met someone back then when Sharul and I were on a break. It was like a hit in me. Another deep impact!

I couldn't wait to read the next episode! I made Danny to promise me the Eclipse for my birthday next week ;) And Sharul to buy me the 4th book. Of course that made him jealous!

Sharul: Why am I buying you the 4th book? Why is Danny buying you the 3rd??
Me: Coz Lulu said the 4th is the best of all episodes so I want YOU to buy it for me!
Sharul: *nodded and crooked a smile*

Phew! It's hard to get it to his head how much Danny means to me too! He's my best guy buddy since we met 2 years ago in the SBAC in Singapore. We got so attached with work that we had become so close. Besides, Sharul and I were on a break so there were no limitations between me and Danny. We hung out, eat out, went karaoke-ing, eat out, movie-ing, eat out LOL! Basically, we shared so many things together! Especially our taste on food!! He's so much fun to hang out with. He'd listen to my whining and stared wide-eyed to my cursing yet he still stays around :) Thanks Danny for being such a sport, though you're a pain in the butt sometimes too ;)

So yesterday when Sharul found out I was hanging out with Danny, the jealousy was so clear in his messages, which came every five minutes! It's frustrating knowing his insecurities over the relationship me and Danny is having. Danny wanted to ask me out karaoke-ing, something a friend would do (I would do the same) to another friend who was down. I was so into it when Sharul dropped by and stole the excitement away.

I wasn't mad. Just frustrated. I felt that it was Danny and mine's day. We hadn't met for many months and there was him, the love of my life, shoving his head into the meeting up. If only Sharul understands how I feel about him and Danny. I need them both. It's like, him jealous over Lulu and Leng. Or Johny and Kiem. He even kept messaging me when I met up with Fred the other night. And when I met up with Anih yesterday before I sat down with Danny. Sharul's basically jealous of my friends or whoever is with me! It's not fair! And it hurts ...

Me: Why are you like this? Are you jealous?
Sharul: I dunno! I can't help it!
Me: I don't like it. You know I don't every time you're like this, so stop it!
Sharul: I know. I just can't ... *silent and took my hand*
Me: You DON'T trust me! I can't believe you're jealous of Danny! C'mon! DON'T you know me YET?!
Sharul: I know ... I'm sorry ...
Me: I can't believe you're doing this! After all the years we're together. This is unacceptable!
Sharul: I know. I'm so sorry. I hate it too. I just can't help it ...
Me: *silent*

It's complicated. As much as I love Sharul, I can't lose my friends, especially those I care about. Even tonight, when he learnt that I was meeting Fred, he was showing me 'that' look. And I don't like it!

Is this how I am going to be treated when we get engaged? And married? Will I lose my privacy and everyone I love just to be with him alone? I am not happy with all these, so does this mean I will NOT be happy over the commitment that I am pursuing?

Time's ticking and it's got me thinking hard. It's either him change for good, or I will.

I pray that Sharul will be fairer with me. I've lost my faith in my best ability in my profession. I am NOT ready to lose everyone around me.

Is this the cost I should pay to be his wife? If it's so ... Then I guess, I should be prepared to be missing them ... And it hurts ...


PS: The worse he'd asked of me after our marriage were ... to forget online networking and ... blogging ... And it hurts ...