Just Being Me

This post I put up to view my inner voice to all, especially those I call 'friends'. In fact, here is the answers to Princess Scrapper's deep thoughts for me to respond to in my previous entry on Blast From the Past. I hope there won't be any misconception about me after this. I really DO hope so ...

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Princess Gizmo said...

Huh???? Make Peace or War?? Friend or Enemy?? Right or wrong?? Girls or Boys?? Love or Lust?? Honest or Hypocrite??

U tell me?? Analyse it yourself then you can see the 'real world' w/ your own 'eyes'..

Open up your 'heart' then you can feel 'how others feel for you'..

Accept with your 'mind' not your 'heart' then you know 'what's wrong or right'.

But...never think of yourself only, when you have family & friends.. Think for them.. Feel for them..

Think of your 'current actions'.. Harmless or harmful?

Think of your 'actions' for the long term.. Is it good or bad?

Think of your family & children, will they be there for you? When you're not there for them?

Think of your 'real friends' will you be able to 'accept the brutal truth from them?'

How do you feel?Please tell me now...

Just a deep thought from me :)

Posted by Princess Gizmo on 21 October 2008 23:25

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Suzila A said ...

Princess ... That's a list of 'deep' thoughts you got there :) Thanks.

Well, I gotta say, I have no intention to create any 'war', that's for sure. As I said earlier, I treasure friendships. Hence, though the 'ex-friends' chose not to befriend me no more, that's their choice to do so but never have I created 'war' with them ever since (some created the 'war' with me, dunno why). Am I making friends or enemies? As far as I know, honestly speaking, I chose to make distance NOT to make enemies but to prevent us from becoming one. I'm happy, they're HAPPIER. Am I doing it right or wrong? Personally, though it doesn't work in some cases with the 'ex-friends' (by making a distance), but in some others, it does. Boys or girls, well, as I said in the entry, boys ACCEPT me MORE than the girls. I guess I carry some parts of those males hormones in me so we 'click'. Love or lust? Definitely not the latter. 'Love' is more to the side of the male species, not mine. As for the girls, I'll give my all to protect them. Am I being honest or am I a hypocrite? I believe in doing all with His mercy and the right 'nawaitu'. If anyone ever sees me as a 'hypocrite', that's their right to do so. Allah knows best :)

Believe me Princess. I've gone through heaven and hell of friendships. Some friendships stay, some don't. Those who do, I still treasure them (you're among many Princess, thank you). Those who don't, can't do much but for sure, I DID try to make it right. Even took the blame though it wasn't my part that should do it. Thinking back, that's a stupidity that I made. What to do. Just being me. Not bragging or anything, I even lied for a friend but now, she's nowhere to be seen. She even back stabbed me. What did I do? I didn't say "goodbye". She did. At most times, friends made use of me. They still do now sometimes. What do I do? I let them. Why? Just wanna see them happy that's all, though they see me as a doormat or whatever they call me (I heard them say so). Now you tell me! Have I gone through enough in friendships? Haven't I seen the 'true world' yet? Allah knows best.

I gotta admit, when it comes to friendship, my heart wins over the mind. Why? Coming back, cause I treasure friendships. So I'm proud to say, I've 'seen' the good and the bad of friends around me, not with the mind, but with the soul. My mind says "no", the heart says the other way round. It's a weakness I have when it comes to friendships. I treasure it too much for the mind to handle.

Mum often scolds me for being 'stupid' and 'weak' when friends made me cry. She'd say: "You and your friendship crap! Look what they've done to you!". It's a 'crap' for her cause my heart's torn apart when friends left me. I know hers too when she saw me cry. My mind then starts its engine and keeps telling me to stop! Family, yes, I feel for them. I hurt them when I'm hurt. So, I guess, I shouldn't cry for a loss of a friendship no more. Family first, friends second now. Yet, the heart wins again and the 'war' begins in me. What happens then? I feel the pain. Thank God I manage to keep it to myself. It's not harmless for sure. Of course, it's not good at all. Not for the heart, nor to the mind.

So I guess, I should just need to be me. I shouldn't bother much of what friendships bring or leave me with. What others think, I shall let them be. Most importantly, I should be myself. Anyone can't accept me, that's their right to do so. All I gotta do is heal the pain slowly but happily seek for a new bridge of friendship, to make the best out of it and learn from the past to keep the present while at the same time, be a happy person as I can be. Not only for myself, but for those around me.

I am me: the kind of person who will go highs and lows for those I love. I'll keep them, be there for them till "no more" comes out of their mouths. If they can't sacrifice the same for me, I won't nudge. I understand. Why? Cause 'love' does it all. Cause that's ME. I'm sure my 'true friends' will do the same for me. Cause only true friends 'see' the 'true' me.

Yes, only true friends CAN ACCEPT me.

Too bad I only have very few of those kind. Very few ...

Sigh~ Such deep thoughts exhaust the mind. Gotta rest it now ...

Thank you Princess. Hope you could feel me now...


PS: Will post this up for all be able to 'see' me too. The heart's too weak to take anymore misjudgment ...

Posted by Suzila A on 22 October 2008 17:31