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Sunday, 19 October 2008

Blast From the Past

I just read a blogger friend's entry today and it sort of reminded me on my past with some guys I befriended. Not that I have great experiences with guys but somehow, I made friends with boys more than girls when I was in high school right up to college.

I didn't have dozens of close female friends when I was in sec school. Most of my friends were boys, not of choice, but I rather see it as coming naturally. I guess they found me comfy to be with, like when they were with their male counterparts. Yet again, it got spoiled when they fell for me (you know, the monkey love thingy) and all changed in a split second. But towards the end, we became friends again. Ain't that sweet! Boys drop the past just like that! So, to be honest, I preferred befriending boys more than with girls in high school. Somehow most girls in their teen years were too sensitive over silly things and most of the time we ended up striking politics in class, which I never enjoyed! In the end, I gotta watch every single word that I used with these girls. This is boring! With boys, I got to tease, even swear at them yet they didn't give a s**t about it and we remained friends! With girls .... prrrggh!!

The same happened in college. Most of my gang were males. We were like families! We studied, hung out, had lunch, wherever together (NOT the toilets!). Too bad it changed when one of them had a crush on me, which changed everything, sigh~ I hate it, always hate it when it happens!!

You see, not that I am against girls. I love being with them but not all girls click you see. I only have one best girlfriend: Azean. Just one! Why? Cause we clicked! We had ups and downs together, did our stuff together, and most of all, we'll do anything for each other. With girls, we are more concerned with trust. With boys, I don't need trust! I just need comfort with them. I dunno how other girls and boys see about this but what I'm saying is what I see, and feel. Personally, with girls, there needs some sort of a bridge to connect us. Being friends with boys, there's no string attached!

I always had a blast with guys in the past. But now, it's rather difficult to find guys who are comfortable with girls around. Maybe it's due to the age we are now. I guess, age is the factor to controlling or limiting women and men's friendships. The older we grow, the tougher people's expectations are between the two species. I guess you know what I mean there! In sec school or college, people see us as kids. Whoever we hung out with, people would just simply see us as a group of friends. Now, eyes will follow wherever women and men go, especially when anyone of them is married. And marriage is strongly related to age! This is what I meant by difficult.

Now, remember my entry on the "Ex-Friend Chit-Chat"? I am not proud, but sad really. My bunch of ex-friends, all of them are girls. They hate me, which I can't do nothing about. I did try to change but I guess that's not enough for them. I guess, this is also another factor why I like become friends with guys more than girls. I am exhausted with girls cause I gotta watch my words, gestures, looks even! With boys, I can do whatever I want and be whoever I am.

PS: To "Double Ms", you know who you are. Thanks for accepting me for who I am. It's been years I hadn't been close to girls other than Azean. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! :D


MamaShasha said...

Hai Darls...
mm...dun worry, I will be there for you as the best as I can dear. I am not a good friend jua...but I am trying and have to make sure that I am not hurting my friend's feelings, that's all. Menjaga hati orang ani payah am not judging someone look, if i Want to be friend with them. I just want their cares...and honesty in friendship. And definitely...give a sincere idea and thoughts to my friends...and I amnot expecting to accept everything I say. As long as...I am thereto comfort my friend and cheer them up.that is good enough for me...feel satisfaction already.hehe...I love to cook for my know kan? hehe...

david santos said...

Hello, my friend Suzila!
Thanks for you attention.
My page is written in English, Portuguese, Spaniard, Frenchman, Greek, Russian and other languages.
I wait to learn to write in Bornei. This work is against the abuse of children.
Thank you.

David Santos - Portugal

Anonymous said...

ehemmm ehemmm...hehe...
sometimes we just miss the good old days yaaa....hemmm...;D

ANIH said...

hye darls...

Aku ani msa zaman sekolah dulu ndada plng guy friends ani bah. Ada lah sorang dua ganya.. True eyh.. Kalau gurls pun jua.. ntah dulu a2 me quite reserved jua bah.. alum brp pndai bergaul.. hehe

Ani baru th nah merasa bnyk kwn.. lurus tu nya Mamashasa ah.. For me buat yg mana mampu kan menjaga hati kwn ah.. bkn sanang kan. Tpi yag paling siuk tu nah yg sekapala ah.. apa sja ceta betamu d,tmbah g dengan ktawa.. haha.

Sal faktor status & umur ani jua nah.. mbri heran. Ada yg open minded a2 ok.. p ada yg once tahu a2..mcm biasa tia.. cali ah.. pdahal kan kwn jua ganya.. alum luas fikiran d,org a2.. mahu b,kwn yg sma level kli bah.. hahahahah :P

Doesnt matter jua tu sis ah.. ada kn u cakap sorang lari, bnyk g kwn datang.. yg penting sama2 jaga hati, respest each other lah..

Chewaah aku ah,, bnyk cakao ani bah.. :P

Suzila A said...

Hey girls! :) Just checked the comments here.

Thanks! Just sharing my thoughts about how I see friendships between girls and guys. As you can read here, I prefer bekawan dgn laki2. Bukan kan menggatal or whatsoever (like what those people with "balum luas pikiran" think <-- I borrow your phrase Anih). Yang penting, we must know our limit, Allah knows BEST. Apa2 pun, whatever we do, we should start with the right "nawaitu".

It's sad how these people EXPECT us to behave. Sometimes, what we do salah, what we say pun salah jua. Padahal, we're just being OURSELVES. You're right Mamashasha! Menjaga hati urang ani PAYAH! Sometimes, we terpaksa ikut karenah dorang. Yet again, to be accepted by the society we live in, I personally think we should play along jua. Dapat jua mengurangkan dosa urang mengumpat kitani hehe. If tani nda beulah, urang nda umpat, nda ja! Haha.

Really, I miss my old days at school when burden is waaaaaaaaaay beyond our thoughts. Sigh~

Thanks again girls! ;)

Princess Gizmo said...

Huh???? Make Peace or War?? Friend or Enemy?? Right or wrong?? Girls or Boys?? Love or Lust?? Honest or Hypocrite??

U tell me?? Analyse it yourself then you can see the 'real world' w/ your own 'eyes'..

Open up your 'heart' then you can feel 'how others feel for you'..

Accept with your 'mind' not your 'heart' then you know 'what's wrong or right'.

But...never think of yourself only, when you have family & friends.. Think for them.. Feel for them..

Think of your 'current actions'.. Harmless or harmful?

Think of your 'actions' for the long term.. Is it good or bad?

Think of your family & children, will they be there for you? When you're not there for them?

Think of your 'real friends' will you be able to 'accept the brutal truth from them?'

How do you feel?Please tell me now...

Just a deep thought from me :)

Suzila A said...

Princess ... That's a list if 'deep' thoughts you got there :) Thanks.

Well, I gotta say, I have no intention to create any 'war', that's for sure. As I said earlier, I treasure friendships. Hence, though the 'ex-friends' chose not to befriend me no more, that's their choice to do so but never have I created 'war' with them ever since (some created the 'war' with me, dunno why). Am I making friends or enemies? As far as I know, honestly speaking, I chose to make distance NOT to make enemies but to prevent us from becoming one. I'm happy, they're HAPPIER. Am I doing it right or wrong? Personally, though it doesn't work in some cases with the 'ex-friends' (by making a distance), but in some others, it does. Boys or girls, well, as I said in the entry, boys ACCEPT me MORE than the girls. I guess I carry some parts of those males hormones in me so we 'click'. Love or lust? Definitely not the latter. 'Love' is more to the side of the male species, not mine. As for the girls, I'll give my all to protect them. Am I being honest or am I a hypocrite? I believe in doing all with His mercy and the right 'nawaitu'. If anyone ever sees me as a 'hypocrite', that's their right to do so. Allah knows best :)

Believe me Princess. I've gone through heaven and hell of friendships. Some friendships stay, some don't. Those who do, I still treasure them (you're among many Princess, thank you). Those who don't, can't do much but for sure, I DID try to make it right. Even took the blame though it wasn't my part that should do it. Thinking back, that's a stupidity that I made. What to do. Just being me. Not bragging or anything, I even lied for a friend but now, she's nowhere to be seen. She even back stabbed me. What did I do? I didn't say "goodbye". She did. At most times, friends made use of me. They still do now sometimes. What do I do? I let them. Why? Just wanna see them happy that's all, though they see me as a doormat or whatever they call me (I heard them say so). Now you tell me! Have I gone through enough in friendships? Haven't I seen the 'true world' yet? Allah knows best.

I gotta admit, when it comes to friendship, my heart wins over the mind. Why? Coming back, cause I treasure friendships. So I'm proud to say, I've 'seen' the good and the bad of friends around me, not with the mind, but with the soul. My mind says "no", the heart says the other way round. It's a weakness I have when it comes to friendships. I treasure it too much for the mind to handle.

Mum often scolds me for being 'stupid' and 'weak' when friends made me cry. She'd say: "You and your friendship crap! Look what they've done to you!". It's a 'crap' for her cause my heart's torn apart when friends left me. I know hers too when she saw me cry. My mind then starts its engine and keeps telling me to stop! Family, yes, I feel for them. I hurt them when I'm hurt. So, I guess, I shouldn't cry for a loss of a friendship no more. Family first, friends second now. Yet, the heart wins again and the 'war' begins in me. What happens then? I feel the pain. Thank God I manage to keep it to myself. It's not harmless for sure. Of course, it's not good at all. Not for the heart, nor to the mind.

So I guess, I should just need to be me. I shouldn't bother much of what friendships bring or leave me with. What others think, I shall let them be. Most importantly, I should be myself. Anyone can't accept me, that's their right to do so. All I gotta do is heal the pain slowly but happily seek for a new bridge of friendship, to make the best out of it and learn from the past to keep the present while at the same time, be a happy person as I can be. No only for myself, but for those around me.

I am me: the kind of person who will go highs and lows for those I love. I'll keep them, be there for them till "no more" comes out of their mouths. If they can't sacrifice the same for me, I won't nudge. I understand. Why? Cause 'love' does it all. Cause that's ME. I'm sure my 'true friends' will do the same for me. Cause only true friends 'see' the 'true' me.

Yes, only true friends CAN ACCEPT me.

Too bad I only have very few of those kind. Very few ...

Sigh~ Such deep thoughts exhaust the mind. Gotta rest it now ...

Thank you Princess. Hope you could feel me now...

PS: Will post this up for all be able to 'see' me too. The heart's too weak to take anymore misjudgment ...

Princess Gizmo said...

Awww..Ur sweet..Darl u better post this comment to my blog ;) I really appreciate it.. :) *sniff sniff* glad I know u dari dulu :)

Suzila A said...

Just being me Princess :)

Same here! Glad we're still friends till now :) *hugs*

I AM AN ARIES: The Daredevil (huh??)

Energetic (yea, in many ways)

Adventurous and spontaneous (definitely)

Confident and enthusiastic (yup!)

Fun (hmm ... I should ask my friends that!)

Loves a challenge (100%)

EXTREMELY impatient (well, I hate waiting. Does that count??)

Sometimes selfish (am I??)

Short fuse; easily angered (hell yeah!)

Lively, passionate and sharp wit (hmm ... No comment!)

Outgoing (for sure!)

Lose interest quickly - easily bored (most of the time)

Egostical (in some ways; my baby says "in MANY ways" LOL!!)

Courageous and assertive (I agree!)

Tends to be physical and athletic (hmm ... Naah!!)

Fun with your photos
Created with - photo fun

My engagement: 01.01.10

My engagement: 01.01.10
Suzila Ahmad

The engagement ring :)

A cake from him

For him

With my dad & Sharul's :)

With my mum and his :)

With two of my closest girlfriends: Azean & Yanti :)