Can't Help It ...

I feel miserable lately. It gets worse when I just can't even find a solution to whatever it is that makes me feel like this. I hadn't gone online on MSN till yesterday to avoid any misunderstanding that I might cause anyone with my mood right now. To Mamashasha, I am sorry if I ever made you feel bad last night. I know I was rude talking with ya. To Anih, thanks for the quick chat last time. It sure did help.

It just got worse and worse and came to its peak where I cried like a baby a lot recently. I hate this feeling and I just can't help it! I feel sooooo miserable!! So bad like s**t! I need some space.

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Me: I wanna move out. I wanna have my own house.
Mum: Don't you dare! Don't even think about it!
Me: I'm sick mum. I'm really sick. I need my own space. This house ... here ... it suffocates me ...
Mum: What gets into you talking like this? You hate us now?? You wanna leave your family?? Leave me?
Me: Mum ... I just .... *cut off*
Mum: You better put that away ... whatever bad things you feel about this house! About this family! You are a girl! If you're married, then I won't stop you! If anything happens to you out there, who will be worried?? ME!! Who will be looking after you?? US!! YOUR FAMILY!!
Me: *Couldn't help crying and hid my face*
Mum: Get that negative thing or ANYTHING that makes you sick of us! I am old. Your dad is old. If anything happens to us, you will regret it!!! And forget about moving out!! You get me??!!
Me: *silent*

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*I wanted to say this but don't get the guts to do so. I don't wanna hurt her feelings*

"I don't hate you mum. I don't see you and whoever in the house as negative or whatever you call it. Sick? No!! I never feel sick of everybody. I just need my own space, that's all.

It's been hard since the break up with Sharul. And I know I can't blame you and dad for the decision you both made for me. I got no one to blame for the love I had lost. I have no one to get angry at for the pain I am having. Do you know that I've cried so much since I lost him? Do you know how hard it is to try NOT to show it to you and dad? Do you know how hurting it is every time you ask me to find another guy and settle down .... JUST LIKE THAT??

You don't know mum. You have no idea at all.

If only you knew .........

I need my space. I don't hate you ..."